Devastation vs. Solution

This disease is absolutely devastating. Incomprehensible demoralization. Utter chaos. Warped lives. Indescribable pain. Ultimate dishonesty and betrayal. Jail, institutions, and death. 100% Fatal.

The solution leads to joy, freedom, happiness, truth, compassion, love and so much more. 100% effective.

Yet we sit around in middle of the road meetings and pat people on the butt and tell them "keep coming back". Why? Maybe we are too wrapped up in our selfishness and self centeredness to really give a damn about the suffering alcoholic and addict. That might take away time from playing the AA big shot, or getting our ego stroked, or God forbid we might have to stick around and really work with someone instead of getting home to feed the damn cat.

I keep hearing this is a selfish program... Show me that in the book, the book tells me selfishness and self centeredness are the root of my problem. The book tells me intensive work with other alcoholics will save the day when all else fails. The book tells me people all around me are dropping into oblivion. The book tells me I won't want to miss this experience.
We make coffee, we go to planning meetings, we plan banquets, we have birthday parties, we hold raffles. That's all great, but it is not working the program.

The 12 steps are the program, I was taught there are 2 reasons to be at an AA meeting. Either to learn the steps and find someone to take me through them or to teach the steps find someone to take through them. I hear people with some sobriety always saying boy did I need a meeting. No what we need is to work the steps with the newcomer. If I have had a spiritual awakening as the result of working the steps then I don't need a meeting. I need a new spiritual experience. How do I get one?. By getting off my self centered butt and helping someone through this work. It's that simple.

Meetings did not save me from this disease. God saved me from this disease. But first I had to work the steps and get connected. I sure am glad my sponsor didn't just tell me "keep coming back". And thank God he didn't have a cat..

The Story of Jim

If you have ever read the story of Jim in the Big Book you will know what I am talking about. Its on page 35-37. I used to think Jim relasped when the thought came to him, that he could add whiskey to his milk. I was wrong. Then I thought he relasped because he was mad at the owner of his company. I was wrong. We are clearly told on page 35, Jim relasped when he failed to enlarge his spiritual life.

On Page 14 and 15 Bill Wilson is very clear about how to enlarge our spiritual life. Work and self-sacrifice for others.

It's just that simple, do the work, get a connection, get sober. Keep doing the work, keep the connection stay sober and get rocketed into a 4th dimension.
or---
Don't do the work, quit doing the work, lose the connection, get drunk, die a horrible hideous MADDOG death and take down everyone or everything I ever cared about along the way.

I don't have to go on some endless quest to find the Spirit of the Universe, I don't have to wonder do I have it or not. It will find me. The obsession to drink and use will be removed. It works EVERY TIME without fail. 100% effective.

I have yet to find a single alcoholic who on the day he relasped, had already got on his knees, said his prayers, talked to another alcoholic, reached out to help someone, talked to his sponsor and tried to carry this message. There may be one out there but I haven't found him yet.

This endless search for some feeling, so I will know, that I have found God is yet one more attempt of me trying to make myself self centered butt feel better.

I know how to tell how my program is working. I know when my Higher Power and I are connected. Its real simple, its called an inventory of my actions, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the way I feel. In fact doing an inventory of my feelings doesn't work for me because my feelings will probably change 50 times during the inventory.

What were my actions today?

Did I pray today?
Did I meditate today?
Did I listen today?
Did I open a door today
Did I carry the message today?
Did I make coffee today?
Did I read my book today?
Did I call my sponsor today?
Did I talk to my sponsees today?
Did I put the friggin shopping cart back into the damn shopping cart aisle today?
Did I pack into the stream of life today?
or---
Did I gossip today?
Did I dodge phone calls today?
Did I yell at someone today?
Did I ignore some one's pain today?
Did I lie today?
Did I litter today?
Did I take out of the stream of life today?

It has to be simple for me. My diseased brain cannot grasp anything very well but yes or no. Black and white. The grays screw me all up. Actually think that caused a very painful IRS audit one time, but I digress...

The point is the top actions in the inventory are the actions I take when I am connected to a Power greater than myself. And when I am connected there is no chance, NO CHANCE of the obsession returning.

The other ones are Jerry's normal operating pattern, the old actions, the ones that lead to death and destruction. When I am taking those actions and living in that mode then the insane thought of drinking can and will sneak up on me.

Belief

I have heard it said in the past it doesn't matter what you believe when you get here, it matters what you do. There is one thing I had to believe when I got here and have to continue to believe. Its on page 25 of the Big Book. Until I believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I have been living it, then I wont do this work.

Until I have run out of all other options, I won't, take suggestions and I won't do this work. The only reason I am recovered today is because I had a spiritual experience as the result of working the 12 steps. The only way I stay recovered is by continuing to work these steps and share this message with others.

The day I quit believing in the futility and hopelessness of life apart from God, who I see in everyone of you, I will quit taking the actions and I will drink, use and die.

I truly believe every relapse, comes when an alcoholic or addict begins to believe life can be lived apart from the program and God. I have heard it said well I started to think I could drink just a few and I tried it again. Not me, I started to think I could just take a break from the action things, from prayer, from meetings, from working with others, then after I disconnected I started to think perhaps I could drink a little.

For the past 23 months I have believed that I was hopeless without Divine Intervention, and the insane thought that I can do this on my own hasn't come. I have to take action everyday. Do I want to every day, nope. Do I believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I was living it, absolutely.

That is all the rigorous honesty it took for my whole world to change, Giving up...

Lost Another One...

Lost another one to this disease on Sunday. Suicide, he could not grasp this design for living. I need to remember just how truly blessed I really am. But for the Grace of God, there I am. Complaining over the sad state of the nation or this fellowship is not enough, attending a few "discussion" meetings and playing the AA big shot is not enough.

My God requires me to get in the trenches, to carry this message, to sit down one on one with another alcoholic. This is what is demanded of me.

If you want to talk about the absolute devastation of this disease, the crying children, the suffering families or a pain inside so great that you would rather end your life than keep living, I will listen.

If you want to experience the Solution, a Power greater than yourself and this disease, then I can show you how I found that. I won't tell you about my day, and I won't tell you war stories. What I will show you is how to have a personal relationship with a Power greater than yourself that will solve your problems.

Thank God when I got here, people had the courage and the fire in their belly to show me the Truth. To make me understand that I was saved from this disease for a purpose.

This is my truth as I understand it. The day I no longer want to carry this message, the day I think I have done enough, the day I think I can sit back and throw out one liners at a meeting and look important. That will be the day my usefulness will be done.

So please in the next meeting, let's talk about the insanity of alcoholism, let's talk about the Power of God, but let's not talk about our day, we may be killing the dude in the next chair...

Gratitude

We went to the noon meeting at our home group today. On the way out someone said lets cook out tonight. So everybody brought a little something and some guys in the group cooked it all up on the grill. We ate at 7:00 and then had our meeting at 8:00. The topic of the meeting was gratitude. And as I looked around that little room and listened to these people that I know so well share, I was very conscious of the Power of God in our little building and in the hearts of my dear friends. We were missing some of our clan. Some were sick, some out of town. Some have passed, but we have new members too. There are always people there, which for me means that God is always there. I am so grateful for our little AA group, out here in the middle of West Texas. For me it is a place of refuge, a place of hope, a place of recovery. Most of all a place of Power. 12 or 13 miracles sitting around those tables tonight. My life got saved in that little group, people are being saved there daily, saved from the insanity of alcoholism and addiction. We are going to take a vacation over the next couple of weeks. Going to San Francisco, but even in the midst of that beauty, in the midst of making new friends, a piece of my heart will be sitting in that chair and around those tables at my home group. I love this way of life. Thank you all for teaching me that all I have to do to touch the face of God, is look into another persons eyes.

Learning

I was talking to a sponsee the other day and this guys name came up in town that I just don't like very much. We were swapping stories and I told him about some trouble I had with this guy several years ago. I didn't think anymore about it. Today my sponsee and I were talking and he has a couple of amends he really doesn't want to make yet. He is working his program though, and the time will come. Anyway, he asked me "did you make amends to that guy we were talking about the other day".

And then it hit me, and I had to answer "No, I haven't." Then I told him "I am going to show you how to do this and that it really works" So now I am praying for this guy, that I don't like much, and waiting for the magic to happen and I know He will put the guy in front of me or make me know it is time and I will do it. My experience with my God is that this will happen sooner rather than later. I don't want to but I will. How do I know?, because my Higher Power always gives me the willingness and the opportunity to make amends.

The point of this story and the point I made to my sponsee, is that this is exactly how the "program" works. I can't see my own crap, but I can see yours. But you guys can see mine every time. And it doesn't matter if you've been sober 3 days, 3 years, or 3 decades it really doesn't matter. It is absolutely a beautiful thing. God in His infinite wisdom figured out a way to use a stupid action I did 30 years ago, and then a stupider action I did 2 weeks ago, by telling war stories, to teach me something I needed to understand yet again, and hopefully, even give me an opportunity to bear witness of His Power, His Love, and His Way of Life.

My God Absolutely Rocks...

Action!

I have noticed if I sit around and think long enough I can watch my ego grow. It can start out by thinking of what I can do for others, with the purest motives, however it always ends up about me. The only time my ego seems to stay relatively in check is when I "do", not when I "think". Do the prayers, do the meditation, call the friend, make the coffee, go to the meeting, work the steps, carry out the trash... You get my drift...

This seems to be right because ACTION, not intentions, thoughts, feelings or beliefs, got me connected to God, and keep me connected to God. And the only way to keep my ego=brain=disease in check is to let my Higher Power do it.

My will is in my brain... God's Will is in my feet... Keep stepping...

God is, I do, it works...