Pain

I have heard a lot in AA about walking through fire. My experiences over the last couple of weeks have made me see that I have been pulled through the fire, a good portion of that kicking and screaming. My Higher Power has used several tools to get me through a very painful situation.

I have learned one more time that dependence on money, people, and especially my own thinking, will leave me frustrated, worried, resentful, and defeated. I came to realize that this problem was to big for me to handle, that every attempt I made to fix it, made it worse. When I let go of it absolutely things got better.

The pain lasted exactly as long as I tried to control it. The only reason I didn't reach the point of insanity is because of strong sponsorship, being held accountable for taking the appropriate actions. Praying, meditating, working with others, talking to my sponsor...

Even though the problem still exists, it's affect on me is greatly diminished. My wife (who is an addict) and I forged an even closer bond in the midst of this. We now share our Guidance every day. I can now thank God for the problem, because once again it has made me see that I can't handle life without complete dependence on God.

In my experience misplaced dependencies and unrealistic expectations are a major part of my insanity. That is why I drank and used in the first place, to relieve the pain of my own insanity.