Monday, December 20, 2010

Sometimes

My thoughts are crazy. They are always running through my mind it seems. Crazy thoughts, without rhyme or reason. Horrible thoughts, mean thoughts, selfish thoughts. Today that is ok. Today I know that is my disease, ever present, ever lurking, ever dangerous. The difference in now and before? Today I don't have to act on these thoughts, I know that there is another Power in me. Greater than my brain, my disease, my ego.

I have been taught that while my feelings are real, they are not reality. There is a huge difference. Reality is that God is everything. Reality is that my thoughts and my feelings are just not that important. Its kind of like the weather in West Texas. Its ok not to like it cause it will change in about 15 more minutes. Same way with my feelings and my thoughts.

What is consistent is my God. What has to stay consistent are my actions. Outcomes--Not my business, my spiritual condition--Not my business, the maintenance of my spiritual condition--Now that is my business. That is what makes me fit to be of maximum service to God and the people about me.

Today the actions I take are the actions I have been taught. The less my thoughts and feelings have to do with my actions, the smoother life seems to be. And here is the absolute kicker. When I take the right action, my old sick mind seems to follow right along.

My God Rocks!!!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Fitting In

The topic at the meeting last night was humility. I think the realization that, I had failed completely at drinking and drugging was a very good starting point for me. But the knowledge that I have failed totally and completely at life, is what really has begun to set me free. I am starting to fit into my proper position. I was created to be dependent on the Creator. Apart from Him, I am nothing. It says in the Big Book "The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves."

This is my story. But before I could perceive that He was indeed living in my heart, I had to concede the fact, that apart from Him I was nothing. Never had been, never would be.

Today I can cast all my cares on Him because I know He cares for me. I start my day by surrendering to my God, on my knees, whether I feel like it, whether I believe it will work, and whether I want to do it or not. Every day. I take the action and then I try to do what my God has for me to do that day. Am I perfect at it, hell no... But my God doesn't seem to be nearly as interested in perfection as He is persistence. That is a good thing.

How do I know it works? I'm sober, mostly content, I feel useful and life is a vibrant, exciting adventure most of the time. And when its not, I just keep on taking the actions, because no matter how bad I feel or how great I feel it is only temporary, and my feelings although they are real, they are definitely not reality. My sponsor says that and I know exactly what he means today...