First things First

I hear people all of the time talking about learning wisdom, about trying to be more humble, about trying to be grateful, about learning acceptance.

Wisdom, humility, gratitude, and acceptance cannot be learned.  They cannot be worked on. They cannot be sought directly with success.

These things are brought about as a result of having a daily conscious contact with God.  This happens as a result of working and living the 12 steps.

I can try my hardest to be "better".  I can make myself notes, recite endless mantras, read countless books, do positive affirmations till I am blue in the face, but it will all be to no avail until I surrender and take the action of working the 12 steps.

Somewhere in that process God "shows up" and my life is changed forever... All that is required is that I continue to do those things required to maintain that spiritual connection...

Wisdom, humility, gratitude, and acceptance are gifts of God's grace...  I cannot earn them.  I cannot attain them... They are a natural outflowing of God's Spirit within me...

My human attempts to achieve them and control them, only lead to me blocking them by seeking the Fruit of the Spirit, instead of the Spirit itself...

Producing Confusion

I sat in an "AA" meeting today and heard everything but solution.  I heard about therapy, and feelings, and the "power" of our drunkalogs.  I heard about crappy weeks and just not drinking between meetings.  I heard about having to find a meeting to get plugged into God.  I can't do that I need to stay plugged in all the time and sometimes there aren't any meetings at 3:00 am. 

And then it dawned on me.  I have three meetings a week where I can hear nothing but solution, I have a couple of more where there is some hope shared.  Why am I sitting in this meeting anyway.

So I determined for me and just for me.  That I will no longer participate in those meetings, I will no longer contribute to this style of AA.  What I will do is redouble my efforts to be at all of the meetings I can, where the solution is being offered. To contribute my time and energy to those places. To steer the still suffering alcoholics God puts in my path to a place where they can hear the truth...  Not the truth according to me, but the truth in the first 164 pages of the big book...

A solitary voice or two cannot compete with the clamor of "easier softer ways" within the ears of a newcomer.  I must no longer allow the clear message of hope I carry to be watered down day after day by a group of people who can stay sober by just attending a lot of meetings.  Obviously, the vast majority of those people are not afflicted as I am afflicted. 

What I am doing when I am in a meeting like that is producing confusion... I am trying to get people to change their way of thinking.  It isn't going to happen...  Let the middle of the road feelings people have their meeting... I have to cease fighting anything or anyone...  And they always want to attack after you share truth. 

God has given me the opportunity to be a part of a place where a real alcoholic can come and get  the real message of hope... I must do my part in that...

I need to be with my brothers and sisters the real alcoholics who are going to die if they don't find this way of life...  And the ones who are so happy, joyous, and free when they do...

Unmanageability

Most people come into AA and assume they know what the unmanageability is that we talk about in Step 1.  I heard it tonight.  A new guy said he knew he was powerless and that when he sobers up he will be able to manage his life.  This is not my experience.

Everybody thinks the unmanageability has to do with their checkbook, or relationship status or their legal standing.  It has NOTHING to do with the external.  It is that INTERNAL anxiety inside me, that "if only" thing I have going on.  If only I had this or that, THEN every thing would be wonderful.... That feeling of not quite fitting in, that feeling too good or not good enough for something or someone all at the same time.

It is an internal condition, I had it BEFORE I drank and used.  Drinking and using FIXES it, or at least it did early on. 

My life is still unmanageable by me today.  But now I have a solution, a new Employer, a Higher Power that manages my life just fine.

What I learned is that my life was not designed by the Creator to be managed by me.  I could take all the driving courses in the world.  I could get my CDL... I could get tutored by Rusty Wallace...  But I would still be unable to go outside find a giant boulder and drive it down the street.... Why... It wasn't designed to be driven by me...

You may think that sounds crazy... But the big book doesn't say I can manage my life better... It says...my life is UNMANAGEABLE... It wasn't designed to be managed by me.  I was designed to take the actions that God directs me to take.  When I do that the spiritual malady is overcome and everything falls into place...

It is called doing God's will.  I can't even attempt that till I work the steps and get connected to this Power...  And then it is simply a process of getting up, taking the actions required of me each day and showing others how to live happy, joyous, and free... This rockets me daily into that 4th dimension called God's Grace and that is all I ever needed or really wanted... I just didn't know it...

Humility

Humility is not something I am capable of working on or fighting to attain.  Humility is simply REALIZING (when something becomes real to me) that I am nothing apart from God; the knowledge that I am the creation, made to be dependent on the Creator.  Apart from Him I am nothing.  It is REALIZING that my life is still unmanageable by me today.  No matter how hard I try, I cant do it.  It is not my job. It is God's job.

Now here is the real kicker, everyone else is in the same boat.  If that is real to me, then God will manage my life in such a way that being kind to others, putting others before myself will be a natural out flow. 

But then I will forget and the pain will come back and once again I will have to REALIZE that I can't manage my life.

If I set out to be a "better person" and "treat others nicer" it just won't work.  But when I start the day with my God, on my knees, acknowledging my utter inability to run my life.  If I ask for knowledge of His will and the Power to carry it out.  Then He will give me the Power to do the next right thing.  And how I treat other people will not be such an issue.

If I go through my day in complete dependence on Him, the natural result will be a kindlier, gentler, less selfish Jerry.

Do I do that everyday?  Not so much, but I always start the day out in utter dependence on Him and that works so much better than the way I used to live. Progress not perfection...

Apart from Him I am nothing, the Father does the work...