Unmanageability

Most people come into AA and assume they know what the unmanageability is that we talk about in Step 1.  I heard it tonight.  A new guy said he knew he was powerless and that when he sobers up he will be able to manage his life.  This is not my experience.

Everybody thinks the unmanageability has to do with their checkbook, or relationship status or their legal standing.  It has NOTHING to do with the external.  It is that INTERNAL anxiety inside me, that "if only" thing I have going on.  If only I had this or that, THEN every thing would be wonderful.... That feeling of not quite fitting in, that feeling too good or not good enough for something or someone all at the same time.

It is an internal condition, I had it BEFORE I drank and used.  Drinking and using FIXES it, or at least it did early on. 

My life is still unmanageable by me today.  But now I have a solution, a new Employer, a Higher Power that manages my life just fine.

What I learned is that my life was not designed by the Creator to be managed by me.  I could take all the driving courses in the world.  I could get my CDL... I could get tutored by Rusty Wallace...  But I would still be unable to go outside find a giant boulder and drive it down the street.... Why... It wasn't designed to be driven by me...

You may think that sounds crazy... But the big book doesn't say I can manage my life better... It says...my life is UNMANAGEABLE... It wasn't designed to be managed by me.  I was designed to take the actions that God directs me to take.  When I do that the spiritual malady is overcome and everything falls into place...

It is called doing God's will.  I can't even attempt that till I work the steps and get connected to this Power...  And then it is simply a process of getting up, taking the actions required of me each day and showing others how to live happy, joyous, and free... This rockets me daily into that 4th dimension called God's Grace and that is all I ever needed or really wanted... I just didn't know it...