I have zero ability to remove one single character defect. I couldn't remove my obsession to drink. I can't remove my obsession with myself. (Page 62) "Selfishness -- self centeredness! That we think is the root of our troubles." It goes on to say we must be rid of this selfishness or it KILLS us. Then it tells us we can't get rid of it. God has to do it. I can't do it. I can't work on it. Most of the time I can't even see it.
What I can do is use my will in the proper fashion. (page 85) How can I best serve God.. His Will not mine be done. I can use my will to work the steps. I can use my will to bend my knee. I can use my will to talk to another alcoholic. I can use my human will to take the actions that bring about a spiritual experience. Then God will bring about that psychic change sufficient to recover from alcoholism, God will remove the character defects that stand in the way of my usefulness to Him and my fellows. God will give me that peace and joy, that freedom that I so crave.
Why do I have to use my will. Because I don't always want to do the work. Sometimes I don't feel like going to another meeting. Sometimes I don't believe the guy sitting in front of me will ever get this deal.
I have to use my will to do these things anyway, because my experience has taught me, sometimes painfully, that what I want, what I feel, and what I believe is mostly a load of crap. I have this diseased brain that wants me to act on whatever it tells me. I did that for 51 years, damn near followed it to gates of insanity and death.
But today, I don't have to listen to that brain quite so much. It just really isn't that important. What is really important is taking the actions to improve my conscious contact with God. I have to let go of my old ideas absolutely. They didn't work. But the God thing, 100% effective.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Power and Control
I do not have the power to get sober or to stay sober. Yet, I have complete control over whether it happens or not. Sometimes it makes people uncomfortable to hear that statement.
Although, that is exactly what the Big Book teaches. The book says on page 45 "Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly. Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a Power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves." That seems pretty clear to me, human power can never remove the obsession to drink or use.
The second part of the statement seems much more controversial. On page 85 it says, "What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." The actions suggested in the book are the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Prayer, meditation, working with others, daily inventories, packing into the stream of life. Whether or not I do these things are under my control.
If I do them I am promised a daily reprieve. I am recovered, the obsession is removed. God does that. On the other hand should I start to listen to my disease, if I start letting up, resting on my laurels, sitting on my butt, then I won't do the maintenance and I won't get my reprieve, the obsession will return, and I will be headed toward the bitter end.
Today is not about drinking or using or not. Today is about taking action or not. It all boils down to one thing; Do I believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I used to live it...
Although, that is exactly what the Big Book teaches. The book says on page 45 "Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly. Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a Power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves." That seems pretty clear to me, human power can never remove the obsession to drink or use.
The second part of the statement seems much more controversial. On page 85 it says, "What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." The actions suggested in the book are the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Prayer, meditation, working with others, daily inventories, packing into the stream of life. Whether or not I do these things are under my control.
If I do them I am promised a daily reprieve. I am recovered, the obsession is removed. God does that. On the other hand should I start to listen to my disease, if I start letting up, resting on my laurels, sitting on my butt, then I won't do the maintenance and I won't get my reprieve, the obsession will return, and I will be headed toward the bitter end.
Today is not about drinking or using or not. Today is about taking action or not. It all boils down to one thing; Do I believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I used to live it...
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Devastation vs. Solution
This disease is absolutely devastating. Incomprehensible demoralization. Utter chaos. Warped lives. Indescribable pain. Ultimate dishonesty and betrayal. Jail, institutions, and death. 100% Fatal.
The solution leads to joy, freedom, happiness, truth, compassion, love and so much more. 100% effective.
Yet we sit around in middle of the road meetings and pat people on the butt and tell them "keep coming back". Why? Maybe we are too wrapped up in our selfishness and self centeredness to really give a damn about the suffering alcoholic and addict. That might take away time from playing the AA big shot, or getting our ego stroked, or God forbid we might have to stick around and really work with someone instead of getting home to feed the damn cat.
I keep hearing this is a selfish program... Show me that in the book, the book tells me selfishness and self centeredness are the root of my problem. The book tells me intensive work with other alcoholics will save the day when all else fails. The book tells me people all around me are dropping into oblivion. The book tells me I won't want to miss this experience.
We make coffee, we go to planning meetings, we plan banquets, we have birthday parties, we hold raffles. That's all great, but it is not working the program.
The 12 steps are the program, I was taught there are 2 reasons to be at an AA meeting. Either to learn the steps and find someone to take me through them or to teach the steps find someone to take through them. I hear people with some sobriety always saying boy did I need a meeting. No what we need is to work the steps with the newcomer. If I have had a spiritual awakening as the result of working the steps then I don't need a meeting. I need a new spiritual experience. How do I get one?. By getting off my self centered butt and helping someone through this work. It's that simple.
Meetings did not save me from this disease. God saved me from this disease. But first I had to work the steps and get connected. I sure am glad my sponsor didn't just tell me "keep coming back". And thank God he didn't have a cat..
The solution leads to joy, freedom, happiness, truth, compassion, love and so much more. 100% effective.
Yet we sit around in middle of the road meetings and pat people on the butt and tell them "keep coming back". Why? Maybe we are too wrapped up in our selfishness and self centeredness to really give a damn about the suffering alcoholic and addict. That might take away time from playing the AA big shot, or getting our ego stroked, or God forbid we might have to stick around and really work with someone instead of getting home to feed the damn cat.
I keep hearing this is a selfish program... Show me that in the book, the book tells me selfishness and self centeredness are the root of my problem. The book tells me intensive work with other alcoholics will save the day when all else fails. The book tells me people all around me are dropping into oblivion. The book tells me I won't want to miss this experience.
We make coffee, we go to planning meetings, we plan banquets, we have birthday parties, we hold raffles. That's all great, but it is not working the program.
The 12 steps are the program, I was taught there are 2 reasons to be at an AA meeting. Either to learn the steps and find someone to take me through them or to teach the steps find someone to take through them. I hear people with some sobriety always saying boy did I need a meeting. No what we need is to work the steps with the newcomer. If I have had a spiritual awakening as the result of working the steps then I don't need a meeting. I need a new spiritual experience. How do I get one?. By getting off my self centered butt and helping someone through this work. It's that simple.
Meetings did not save me from this disease. God saved me from this disease. But first I had to work the steps and get connected. I sure am glad my sponsor didn't just tell me "keep coming back". And thank God he didn't have a cat..
Sunday, May 8, 2011
The Story of Jim
If you have ever read the story of Jim in the Big Book you will know what I am talking about. Its on page 35-37. I used to think Jim relasped when the thought came to him, that he could add whiskey to his milk. I was wrong. Then I thought he relasped because he was mad at the owner of his company. I was wrong. We are clearly told on page 35, Jim relasped when he failed to enlarge his spiritual life.
On Page 14 and 15 Bill Wilson is very clear about how to enlarge our spiritual life. Work and self-sacrifice for others.
It's just that simple, do the work, get a connection, get sober. Keep doing the work, keep the connection stay sober and get rocketed into a 4th dimension.
or---
Don't do the work, quit doing the work, lose the connection, get drunk, die a horrible hideous MADDOG death and take down everyone or everything I ever cared about along the way.
I don't have to go on some endless quest to find the Spirit of the Universe, I don't have to wonder do I have it or not. It will find me. The obsession to drink and use will be removed. It works EVERY TIME without fail. 100% effective.
I have yet to find a single alcoholic who on the day he relasped, had already got on his knees, said his prayers, talked to another alcoholic, reached out to help someone, talked to his sponsor and tried to carry this message. There may be one out there but I haven't found him yet.
This endless search for some feeling, so I will know, that I have found God is yet one more attempt of me trying to make myself self centered butt feel better.
I know how to tell how my program is working. I know when my Higher Power and I are connected. Its real simple, its called an inventory of my actions, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the way I feel. In fact doing an inventory of my feelings doesn't work for me because my feelings will probably change 50 times during the inventory.
What were my actions today?
Did I pray today?
Did I meditate today?
Did I listen today?
Did I open a door today
Did I carry the message today?
Did I make coffee today?
Did I read my book today?
Did I call my sponsor today?
Did I talk to my sponsees today?
Did I put the friggin shopping cart back into the damn shopping cart aisle today?
Did I pack into the stream of life today?
or---
Did I gossip today?
Did I dodge phone calls today?
Did I yell at someone today?
Did I ignore some one's pain today?
Did I lie today?
Did I litter today?
Did I take out of the stream of life today?
It has to be simple for me. My diseased brain cannot grasp anything very well but yes or no. Black and white. The grays screw me all up. Actually think that caused a very painful IRS audit one time, but I digress...
The point is the top actions in the inventory are the actions I take when I am connected to a Power greater than myself. And when I am connected there is no chance, NO CHANCE of the obsession returning.
The other ones are Jerry's normal operating pattern, the old actions, the ones that lead to death and destruction. When I am taking those actions and living in that mode then the insane thought of drinking can and will sneak up on me.
On Page 14 and 15 Bill Wilson is very clear about how to enlarge our spiritual life. Work and self-sacrifice for others.
It's just that simple, do the work, get a connection, get sober. Keep doing the work, keep the connection stay sober and get rocketed into a 4th dimension.
or---
Don't do the work, quit doing the work, lose the connection, get drunk, die a horrible hideous MADDOG death and take down everyone or everything I ever cared about along the way.
I don't have to go on some endless quest to find the Spirit of the Universe, I don't have to wonder do I have it or not. It will find me. The obsession to drink and use will be removed. It works EVERY TIME without fail. 100% effective.
I have yet to find a single alcoholic who on the day he relasped, had already got on his knees, said his prayers, talked to another alcoholic, reached out to help someone, talked to his sponsor and tried to carry this message. There may be one out there but I haven't found him yet.
This endless search for some feeling, so I will know, that I have found God is yet one more attempt of me trying to make myself self centered butt feel better.
I know how to tell how my program is working. I know when my Higher Power and I are connected. Its real simple, its called an inventory of my actions, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the way I feel. In fact doing an inventory of my feelings doesn't work for me because my feelings will probably change 50 times during the inventory.
What were my actions today?
Did I pray today?
Did I meditate today?
Did I listen today?
Did I open a door today
Did I carry the message today?
Did I make coffee today?
Did I read my book today?
Did I call my sponsor today?
Did I talk to my sponsees today?
Did I put the friggin shopping cart back into the damn shopping cart aisle today?
Did I pack into the stream of life today?
or---
Did I gossip today?
Did I dodge phone calls today?
Did I yell at someone today?
Did I ignore some one's pain today?
Did I lie today?
Did I litter today?
Did I take out of the stream of life today?
It has to be simple for me. My diseased brain cannot grasp anything very well but yes or no. Black and white. The grays screw me all up. Actually think that caused a very painful IRS audit one time, but I digress...
The point is the top actions in the inventory are the actions I take when I am connected to a Power greater than myself. And when I am connected there is no chance, NO CHANCE of the obsession returning.
The other ones are Jerry's normal operating pattern, the old actions, the ones that lead to death and destruction. When I am taking those actions and living in that mode then the insane thought of drinking can and will sneak up on me.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Belief
I have heard it said in the past it doesn't matter what you believe when you get here, it matters what you do. There is one thing I had to believe when I got here and have to continue to believe. Its on page 25 of the Big Book. Until I believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I have been living it, then I wont do this work.
Until I have run out of all other options, I won't, take suggestions and I won't do this work. The only reason I am recovered today is because I had a spiritual experience as the result of working the 12 steps. The only way I stay recovered is by continuing to work these steps and share this message with others.
The day I quit believing in the futility and hopelessness of life apart from God, who I see in everyone of you, I will quit taking the actions and I will drink, use and die.
I truly believe every relapse, comes when an alcoholic or addict begins to believe life can be lived apart from the program and God. I have heard it said well I started to think I could drink just a few and I tried it again. Not me, I started to think I could just take a break from the action things, from prayer, from meetings, from working with others, then after I disconnected I started to think perhaps I could drink a little.
For the past 23 months I have believed that I was hopeless without Divine Intervention, and the insane thought that I can do this on my own hasn't come. I have to take action everyday. Do I want to every day, nope. Do I believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I was living it, absolutely.
That is all the rigorous honesty it took for my whole world to change, Giving up...
Until I have run out of all other options, I won't, take suggestions and I won't do this work. The only reason I am recovered today is because I had a spiritual experience as the result of working the 12 steps. The only way I stay recovered is by continuing to work these steps and share this message with others.
The day I quit believing in the futility and hopelessness of life apart from God, who I see in everyone of you, I will quit taking the actions and I will drink, use and die.
I truly believe every relapse, comes when an alcoholic or addict begins to believe life can be lived apart from the program and God. I have heard it said well I started to think I could drink just a few and I tried it again. Not me, I started to think I could just take a break from the action things, from prayer, from meetings, from working with others, then after I disconnected I started to think perhaps I could drink a little.
For the past 23 months I have believed that I was hopeless without Divine Intervention, and the insane thought that I can do this on my own hasn't come. I have to take action everyday. Do I want to every day, nope. Do I believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I was living it, absolutely.
That is all the rigorous honesty it took for my whole world to change, Giving up...
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