Faith?

I was talking to a dear friend in the program last night. There is something so incredible and so amazing about what is going on in our lives right now. The realization that God is actually participating daily in my life, is so overwhelming and humbling, I am so very grateful. This is where the rubber meets the road. Elimination of drinking was but a beginning.

The absolute knowledge that The Great Reality lies deep within is a game changer. I never believed this would work. I never believed God would help me. Yet He always did, I just never perceived it. The knowledge that as I look back He was there all along protecting, working things out is amazing. I was so full of arrogance and pride, one minute, self loathing and self pity the next, that I never saw it. My feelings, my desires, my thoughts, my fears dominated my actions. My mind = my disease = EGO.

Without that conscious contact today, without taking the actions, without reaching out, my mind will still take over. But when I do those things something happens called Divine intervention and it is becoming as real to me today as life itself. Here is the strangest part of it all, 5 minutes from now I may not feel or think any of this at all, yet it will still be true.

Maybe that is what faith is, knowing the Truth, regardless of how I feel or what I think. The absolute certainty and knowledge that God is doing for me what I could never do for myself... And maybe that knowledge has nothing to do with my brain, perhaps God has given it to me. I'm still learning...

2 Sided Coin

Ego is a 2 sided coin. I always thought of ego as pride and arrogance. It is, yet it also has another side, self pity and remorse. Someone told me that and I barely listened. Yet it has been coming up a lot in my quiet times. Both sides of the coin represent spending way to much time thinking and not nearly enough time taking action. My real obsession has always been with me. I think, I want , I feel... This is because of my over inflated ego. Selfishness and self centeredness are the root of my problem. EGO... How to fight it? I don't, I let God do that. I just stay connected and take action. My God is a real smart feller. He doesn't give me the time at this point in life to sit around and think. Well gotta run, going to take some action today, lots of it... Not because I have to either, because it is a design for living that really works and besides that I enjoy it most of the time. And after all it is all about me. Right???

God is in control

God is definitely in control. Life has happened quite a bit in the last few days, but my perception is that it could all have been much worse. For an alcoholic of my type that perception is a miracle. God is most definitely in control. And this is all that matters. Thank you God for the truth. Thank you God for sobriety and peace...

Getting Out

Today getting out of myself is the answer to my problems. It's kind of funny, it always was. I always perceived that. Before, I tried to get away from my diseased mind with drugs and alcohol. I tried to turn my mind off. It worked until it stopped working. The results however, were horrendous. I was like a tornado roaring my way through the lives of others, you know the story.

I still need to get away from my sick mind and my selfish thoughts. Now I have been shown that the best way, to get out of myself, to stop the crazy movie playing in my brain, is to simply turn my thoughts and my actions to someone I can help. However, this is impossible for me to do. The good news is my Higher Power, God as I understand Him, can do this through me if I get out of the way.

How did I find this out? How did I get connected to the Creator of the universe? By working the 12 Steps with a sponsor, by seeing how other people did it. Dare I say it again; by coming to the realization that my real, God given purpose is to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people about me.

I have friends in the program that struggle so. They are constantly analyzing, thinking, working on their character defects, doing thousands of inventories, countless gratitude lists, studying, lecturing, basically on a treadmill and yet seem absolutely miserable. Some of all of the above is beneficial, (except maybe the thinking) but none of those things of their selves work for me.

This is what works for me every time; sitting down with a suffering addict or alcoholic and going through the work. Doing what God wants me to do. Opening a door, playing with grandchild, smiling when I want to frown, listening when I want to speak, throwing my trash in a can not on the road, little things, things against my natural nature. Not doing any of that to improve myself but doing it because nobody wants what a door slamming, grouchy Grandpa, frowning, overbearing, trash throwing redneck has...

I was not saved from this horrible fate to work on me. I was saved for one reason only, to spread this message, through my actions, through the demonstration of God's Power in my life. To help others. God does not want or need a perfect Jerry. God wants and demands my talents and time to spread the good news that anyone, absolutely anyone can recover from this nightmare and be given the Power to help others.

Service

I am a selfish and self centered alcoholic and addict. Service is not something that comes naturally for me. Yet the Big Book says in many places that I must serve others. For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. (Pg 14-15). It says our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. (pg. 77) No where does it say; I am to plan outcomes, it doesn't say I will be of service only if it turns out the way I want it.

I am supposed to be fit to do what God puts in front of me and leave the outcome to Him. It is really none of my business if a newcomer gets the message or not, whether any one thanks me for making coffee or not. Yet again, it isn't about me. And sometimes I want it to be. This is just another manifestation of my disease. It is a natural product of my diseased mind.

This is one more reason I have to stay connected to God. My experience tells me if I am connected to God and something comes up that I really don't want to do and do it anyway, it seems to work out like it is supposed to, even if I don't think so. The issue isn't how great of a job I did, it isn't what a great guy I am. I am not supposed to break my arm patting myself on the back. The key is whether or not I am willing to submit myself before man and God to the process. The other person's reaction has nothing to do with that (thank God). It is a matter of surrender to the Creator, by the creation (me).

As a bonus I must admit, all of the happiest, most joyful, serene moments in my life have come as a result of my obedience to God. But that is not why I perform service, because I can't remember it brings me peace any more than I could remember the pain caused by alcohol. My "rememberer" (my own word, not a typo, I also have "feelers" but they are out of calibration, much to sensitive to use) is broken. The reason I do it is because my sponsor tells me to, the book tells me to, and it seems to be working today for a bunch of other folks.

When I want to take a day off and do a really close inspection of my mind. When I want to figure out what makes me tick, that is when I better get off my ass and be useful to others, because my diseased mind wants to spend lots of "quality" time with me. If I spend to much time listening to the disease that lives in me, I will block myself off from the Sunlight of the Spirit which is a death sentence for an alcoholic of my type.

Today I don't have to do that. Today I will improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him. Today I will enlarge and perfect my spiritual life. Why, because I was fortunate enough to get hooked up with some people that weren't taking the day off. Some people that were taking action and serving others. Some people that made coffee, paid the bills, kept the lights on, cleaned the tables, emptied the ashtrays, fixed the heater, gave people rides, went to the meeting whether they wanted to or not. Some people that took the time to explain this disease to me and show me how to get connected to God. Today; LIFE ROCKS!!!

Middle of the road

I went to 2 meetings tonight. I'm on the road traveling. I was horrified once again. I listened to the chair person at one meeting talk about being sober for 8 years and never getting past Step 6. I watched her volunteer to sponsor a newcomer. At the next meeting I watched an alcoholic, probably dying, say he would do anything to stay sober and so everyone gave their damn war stories and just left after the meeting. I gave him a book and talked to him for a little while. If I had landed in either one of these meetings a year ago I would have died.

I'm not slamming these people, they just looked and sounded tired. They are just wore out. I can see why, fighting this stupid disease day after day without working the Steps without being connected to God, is exhausting I'm sure. Thank God for real AA where it exists. Thank God for my sponsor, my home group, and the real message of AA. One thing about it, you can't sit in a meeting in our group and puke on the table without being called on it. Well usually.

Middle of the road AA sucks. I made some people mad again, but that is ok. They look at me with my 1 year of sobriety and just laugh when I say I have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. Sober pride is running rampant in our fellowship. People that probably are not real alcoholics are "sponsoring" and very likely killing people with this disease.

In my travels I have noticed some correlations, the less Big Books you see, the more sour the look on the old timers faces. The less active sponsorship is going on. The clothes are dirtier, the shoes are duller, the rooms are filthier, the coffee is more expensive, and visitors are less welcome. And the Big Book thumpers have long since packed up and moved on.

I am not suggesting avoiding these places, I am suggesting walking in the door with a Big Book, taking the heat, and speaking the Truth, we can change all of this, one recovered alcoholic at a time. Trust me if you are working this program, and connected to God you will be the most attractive person in the room.

Join us on the firing line. We have recovered and been given the Power to help others, God please give us the courage to use it.