I am moving to a new town. I am grateful for the opportunity. Leaving is very hard and as the day approaches the unknown can be quite scary. Thank God for the simple kit if spirtual tools that have been laid at my feet.
Today I know that God is everything, but more importantly I act as if God is everything. Today I know, that my real purpose is to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people around me. But more important is the fact that I act out my purpose even when I don't feel like it.
My sponsor says "How free do you want to be?" For me that freedom is a direct result of placing my dependence on my Creator. Dependence on my Creator means, instead of being fearful about a future that I have no means of controlling, I rest in the fact that if I just do the next right thing, regardless of what my mind or my disease tells me, God is in control. That freedom comes from doing what I am supposed to whether I feel like it or not. Do I always do this? Nope. But I can tell you this; when I don't, pain is involved. I don't like pain. That is what drove me in here in the first place. But when I do it, everything always works out.
God is, I do, it works...
I trust my God, the exact same way I do everything else in this program, with my feet. As a dear friend puts it, "I just keep steppin." I am sure when I get to my new town, I will land in the midst of some "Big Book Thumpers". And I know for sure there will be some suffering alcoholics, and my experience is that real alcoholics, like on page 21, make excellent thumpers when they experience the Power of the Creator first hand.
My book tells me on page 132. "I have recovered and been given the power to help others." What better news than that? I love AA, I love this way of life. With God's grace, the same Grace that got Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob sober, the same Grace that brought all of you into my life, the same Grace that relieved me of the obsession to drink and use, were gonna keep carrying this message till we can't carry it no more.
My God rocks!!!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
What a weekend!!!
I took a trip over the weekend. My Higher Power used that time to renew my mind. To show me yet again, that real freedom comes from honesty. That real joy comes from working with others. That real happiness is an inside job, it comes from that unsuspected Inner Resource that can only work in my life when I get my will out of the way. When I take action to help others for free and for fun.
When I run the show, I only try to satisfy my wants, my desires, my wishes. I am never satisfied. External "stuff" is never going to make me happy, no more than it ever got me drunk. Selfishness and self centerness are still the root of my problem. I have to take actions, I have to get off my self centered butt and try to help someone else. It works every time.
And that's all I was ever looking for, something that worked every time.
When I run the show, I only try to satisfy my wants, my desires, my wishes. I am never satisfied. External "stuff" is never going to make me happy, no more than it ever got me drunk. Selfishness and self centerness are still the root of my problem. I have to take actions, I have to get off my self centered butt and try to help someone else. It works every time.
And that's all I was ever looking for, something that worked every time.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Sow it --- Reap it
I read a parable yesterday. About this rich guy fixing to go on a long journey. He called in these guys that worked for him and to one he gave 5 bags of gold to keep for him. To another 2 bags and to another 1 bag. He went on his trip, when he got back he sent for these guys and asked for an accounting. The first dude gave him back 5 bags of gold plus 5 more cause he had went out and worked on this deal and made more gold. The rich guy told him good job, since you handled this deal well I'm going to give you some more stuff to take care of. The second guy brought back the 2 bags plus 2 more. Awesome says the rich guy, good job. The last fellow had hid the gold in a hole and he brought back the one bag. When he reported in he promptly got fired.
When I first read this I though that was pretty harsh and that the Master was pretty brutal. But now I know, if I don't take this gift I have been given and use it. and share it, then I will lose it. Gold has no value in a hole in the ground. I wasn't given the gift of Life to keep it hidden. I can't hang on to it unless I give it away and then I get more so much more.
This is not a matter of judgement, or harshness, this is a natural spiritual immutable law. I reap what I sow.
When I first read this I though that was pretty harsh and that the Master was pretty brutal. But now I know, if I don't take this gift I have been given and use it. and share it, then I will lose it. Gold has no value in a hole in the ground. I wasn't given the gift of Life to keep it hidden. I can't hang on to it unless I give it away and then I get more so much more.
This is not a matter of judgement, or harshness, this is a natural spiritual immutable law. I reap what I sow.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Actions or Words?
I saw a lady come into our group last night fresh out of jail, with no where to go, not a penny to her name. I watched one of our members take her home, without fan fare, without seeking recognition. That is a miracle.
It is so easy to sit on our butts at meetings and tell people what they should do. The book does not tell us to do that. The book says we show people what we have done, how we got over it. The book gives clear cut directions on how to recover. Our job is to show the newcomer what the book says and how we have applied it in our own lives.
Never is it my job to sit on my butt and "preach" to people, or talk down to people, my job is to carry this message through my actions. My job is to be a clean channel for God's infinite love to flow through.
After all I am not special, my first sponsor told me that frequently. I am just another bozo on the bus, another wave in the ocean. Any good that comes out of me flows through from God. My sobriety is a gift, my very life is a gift. I am supposed to pass it on.
It is so easy to sit on our butts at meetings and tell people what they should do. The book does not tell us to do that. The book says we show people what we have done, how we got over it. The book gives clear cut directions on how to recover. Our job is to show the newcomer what the book says and how we have applied it in our own lives.
Never is it my job to sit on my butt and "preach" to people, or talk down to people, my job is to carry this message through my actions. My job is to be a clean channel for God's infinite love to flow through.
After all I am not special, my first sponsor told me that frequently. I am just another bozo on the bus, another wave in the ocean. Any good that comes out of me flows through from God. My sobriety is a gift, my very life is a gift. I am supposed to pass it on.
Monday, August 29, 2011
This way of life...
Page 16 "There is however a vast amount of fun about it all. I suppose some would be shocked at our seeming worldliness and levity. But just underneath there is a deadly earnestness. Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us or we perish."
The past few days have brought horrible tragedy as well as joyful fellowship. As a friend of mine who just celebrated his 10 years last night puts it..."That's just life"
I still have the tendency to want to make it all about me in my mind. But at least today that is as far as it usually gets. My actions for the most part are not ruled by my emotions. My actions are ruled more by principles. My God makes that happen not me.
Another good friend always says "just keep steppin". That is my only choice, because my will, my emotions, my arrangements lead only to chaos.
I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I love the Fellowship, and I love the Program, without you people showing me the way to the steps and helping me through them I would have died without being given the Power to recover and help others. And that is where real peace, joy and freedom exist.
The past few days have brought horrible tragedy as well as joyful fellowship. As a friend of mine who just celebrated his 10 years last night puts it..."That's just life"
I still have the tendency to want to make it all about me in my mind. But at least today that is as far as it usually gets. My actions for the most part are not ruled by my emotions. My actions are ruled more by principles. My God makes that happen not me.
Another good friend always says "just keep steppin". That is my only choice, because my will, my emotions, my arrangements lead only to chaos.
I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I love the Fellowship, and I love the Program, without you people showing me the way to the steps and helping me through them I would have died without being given the Power to recover and help others. And that is where real peace, joy and freedom exist.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The Solution
I hear it time after time, pg 417 "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems" We quote that around the tables in AA like it is part of the program of AA. Sorry, acceptance is not the answer to all of my problems today, GOD is the answer to all of my problems. Having a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 steps is how I access that answer. Period.
I cannot gain acceptance. I cannot remove my character character defects. I cannot use my will power to stop drinking and using. I cannot relieve my obsession with self.
Acceptance is a gift from God, the removal of the character defects that stand in the way of my usefulness is a gift from God, relief from my obsession with self is a gift from God. These things are God's business to give me.
My business is to take action. My business is to help others. My business is to carry this message and practice these principles in all my affairs.
The mistake we make is that we read the stories in the back of the book in meetings and start to quote them as if they were part of the solution. The solution is outlined in the first 164 pages of the Big Book. The rest is just opinion. The stories are meant to help us identify with the authors. They are there to show us that this solution works. THEY ARE NOT THE SOLUTION.
I have heard people say that there is so much more to this than the Steps. I don't know if that is true or not. The Steps seem to be working just fine for this alcoholic right now. When I get them down perfectly I might try to move on. But my nightly inventory tells me I am not there yet.
It it real simple, if I follow the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous, if I take the actions suggested, I will not only stop drinking, I will be rocketed into a fourth dimension. If not I will die.
I guess Nike sums it up real well for me. JUST DO IT...
I cannot gain acceptance. I cannot remove my character character defects. I cannot use my will power to stop drinking and using. I cannot relieve my obsession with self.
Acceptance is a gift from God, the removal of the character defects that stand in the way of my usefulness is a gift from God, relief from my obsession with self is a gift from God. These things are God's business to give me.
My business is to take action. My business is to help others. My business is to carry this message and practice these principles in all my affairs.
The mistake we make is that we read the stories in the back of the book in meetings and start to quote them as if they were part of the solution. The solution is outlined in the first 164 pages of the Big Book. The rest is just opinion. The stories are meant to help us identify with the authors. They are there to show us that this solution works. THEY ARE NOT THE SOLUTION.
I have heard people say that there is so much more to this than the Steps. I don't know if that is true or not. The Steps seem to be working just fine for this alcoholic right now. When I get them down perfectly I might try to move on. But my nightly inventory tells me I am not there yet.
It it real simple, if I follow the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous, if I take the actions suggested, I will not only stop drinking, I will be rocketed into a fourth dimension. If not I will die.
I guess Nike sums it up real well for me. JUST DO IT...
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Letting Go
I was talking recently with a newcomer who mentioned that they were praying for something to not happen. My suggestion was to pray only for God's Will and the Power to walk through whatever it takes. That is becoming easier for me today, yet it can still be a hard thing. But for me this is so critically important.
My life was always ruled by my feelings and emotions. Only when I have been in complete despair was I able to turn it over to God and surrender completely. Today through my experience it is easier. That is spiritual growth, for me. Yet again, not through any thing I have done, but through experiencing what God has done.
I don't know, but I think this falls under the "trust God" category. And when I can't or I haven't had the experience I have to just do it. Regardless of how I feel, what I think or believe.
This program works, every time, I stand amazed at the Power.
My life was always ruled by my feelings and emotions. Only when I have been in complete despair was I able to turn it over to God and surrender completely. Today through my experience it is easier. That is spiritual growth, for me. Yet again, not through any thing I have done, but through experiencing what God has done.
I don't know, but I think this falls under the "trust God" category. And when I can't or I haven't had the experience I have to just do it. Regardless of how I feel, what I think or believe.
This program works, every time, I stand amazed at the Power.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Purpose
The 5th tradition teaches me that the group's primary purpose is to carry this message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
Pg 77 teaches me that my real purpose is to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people about me. Does this include carrying the message to the alcoholic who stills suffers? Absolutely! But, it also goes far beyond that.
I can get so passionate about carrying the message that I run over the people around me on my way to do it. If I put myself in charge of carrying the message, I end up carrying the mess instead. My job is to enlarge and perfect my spiritual life though work and self sacrifice for others. My job is to work these steps, and show others how to work them. This makes me spiritually fit to be of maximum service when I am given the opportunity.
I have been in my vehicle cursing the driver ahead of me for going too slow on my way to "save" a drunk. I have been hurried and rude to people that have called me on the phone because they interrupted me in the middle of "pontificating" to a newcomer. If I can't save them who can? Maybe God... Hmmm... I wonder if He has enough Power?
An alcoholic of my type has to stay connected to the Power, and to do that I have to remember I am no longer running the show. I must wake up and improve my conscious contact with God and go practice these principles in all my affairs.
My sponsor said it today. If we get too bored, too bogged down, we are in a dangerous spot. The way I get too bored and too bogged down is trying to do too much on my own will and not enough following God's will. My God wants me to be happy, joyous and free, this is attractive. Trying to run around and save the world while ignoring or being rude to all the other people around me isn't.
Should I lose my passion for this work? No way! But the passion comes naturally from my Creator, I just need to make sure I am aware when I am manufacturing pride and arrogance and calling it passion.
I do not have the power to get people drunk, nor do I have the power to save them. But there is one who has all Power. That one is God. May we all find Him now...
Pg 77 teaches me that my real purpose is to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people about me. Does this include carrying the message to the alcoholic who stills suffers? Absolutely! But, it also goes far beyond that.
I can get so passionate about carrying the message that I run over the people around me on my way to do it. If I put myself in charge of carrying the message, I end up carrying the mess instead. My job is to enlarge and perfect my spiritual life though work and self sacrifice for others. My job is to work these steps, and show others how to work them. This makes me spiritually fit to be of maximum service when I am given the opportunity.
I have been in my vehicle cursing the driver ahead of me for going too slow on my way to "save" a drunk. I have been hurried and rude to people that have called me on the phone because they interrupted me in the middle of "pontificating" to a newcomer. If I can't save them who can? Maybe God... Hmmm... I wonder if He has enough Power?
An alcoholic of my type has to stay connected to the Power, and to do that I have to remember I am no longer running the show. I must wake up and improve my conscious contact with God and go practice these principles in all my affairs.
My sponsor said it today. If we get too bored, too bogged down, we are in a dangerous spot. The way I get too bored and too bogged down is trying to do too much on my own will and not enough following God's will. My God wants me to be happy, joyous and free, this is attractive. Trying to run around and save the world while ignoring or being rude to all the other people around me isn't.
Should I lose my passion for this work? No way! But the passion comes naturally from my Creator, I just need to make sure I am aware when I am manufacturing pride and arrogance and calling it passion.
I do not have the power to get people drunk, nor do I have the power to save them. But there is one who has all Power. That one is God. May we all find Him now...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The future
My disease never ceases to amaze me. In the best of times I can start to think about the future. Before long I am worrying about the future and even though I started out with the best intentions, before I have been thinking very long I am full of fear (about maybe I won't get what I want) and then resentment (because now I am sure that I didn't get what I wanted in the future and it hasn't even happened yet).
The only way out of this mental pit for me is working with another alcoholic. Then I realize I have what I need to do God's Will at this very moment. And this very moment is all I will ever have. We read it every night "may you find Him now". That is where my Higher Power lives NOW. And then I remember that the things I want are what kill me. True happiness and contentment come from doing God's Will, not seeking what I want.
My disease amazes me it is cunning, baffling, and powerful. But there is One who has all Power. That one is God, may we all find Him NOW.
The only way out of this mental pit for me is working with another alcoholic. Then I realize I have what I need to do God's Will at this very moment. And this very moment is all I will ever have. We read it every night "may you find Him now". That is where my Higher Power lives NOW. And then I remember that the things I want are what kill me. True happiness and contentment come from doing God's Will, not seeking what I want.
My disease amazes me it is cunning, baffling, and powerful. But there is One who has all Power. That one is God, may we all find Him NOW.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Needs
Why is it when someone in a meeting announces "I needed a meeting" is it usually followed at once by "let me tell you about my crappy day"?
I don't now nor have I ever needed a meeting. Now I have thought I needed a meeting lots of times. But it really wasn't about what I needed it was about what I wanted. I wanted to dominate the Group's precious meeting time with my own selfish, self centered BS. I wanted the Group to make me FEEL better so I wouldn't have to do the work and I could continue to be the center of the universe. Let me tell you how that worked out. I almost died from a fatal progressive disease called alcoholism.
But I didn't die, someone loved me enough to hurt my feelings, to be controversial, to tell me the truth. I keep hearing how we should never be controversial, how we should be aware of the feelings of the members, how everyone has a right to "share". The only thing my book says about sharing is to share our experience, strength and hope.
My experience: Alcoholism will kill you, viciously. God will save you from that if you get connected by working the Steps. I can show you how to do that.
My strength: I have none, my Higher Power does, I will show you how to find it.
My hope: I have been rocketed into a fourth dimension I have no idea how good it can get. My God is infinite!!!
You see, I don't need meetings. I need to work the steps. I need a spiritual awakening. I need conscious contact with God. I need to perfect and enlarge my spiritual life through work and self sacrifice for others. I need to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people around me. I need to practice these principles in all of my affairs.
Do I go to meetings? About 10 or 12 a week. Why? To bring something to them not to take something away.
Love and tolerance is our code you say... Absolutely!! Love people enough to tell them the truth and tolerate them until they find it.
I don't now nor have I ever needed a meeting. Now I have thought I needed a meeting lots of times. But it really wasn't about what I needed it was about what I wanted. I wanted to dominate the Group's precious meeting time with my own selfish, self centered BS. I wanted the Group to make me FEEL better so I wouldn't have to do the work and I could continue to be the center of the universe. Let me tell you how that worked out. I almost died from a fatal progressive disease called alcoholism.
But I didn't die, someone loved me enough to hurt my feelings, to be controversial, to tell me the truth. I keep hearing how we should never be controversial, how we should be aware of the feelings of the members, how everyone has a right to "share". The only thing my book says about sharing is to share our experience, strength and hope.
My experience: Alcoholism will kill you, viciously. God will save you from that if you get connected by working the Steps. I can show you how to do that.
My strength: I have none, my Higher Power does, I will show you how to find it.
My hope: I have been rocketed into a fourth dimension I have no idea how good it can get. My God is infinite!!!
You see, I don't need meetings. I need to work the steps. I need a spiritual awakening. I need conscious contact with God. I need to perfect and enlarge my spiritual life through work and self sacrifice for others. I need to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people around me. I need to practice these principles in all of my affairs.
Do I go to meetings? About 10 or 12 a week. Why? To bring something to them not to take something away.
Love and tolerance is our code you say... Absolutely!! Love people enough to tell them the truth and tolerate them until they find it.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Spiritual Awakening
Our 12th Step says "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps..." I used to wonder what the difference was between a spiritual experience and a spiritual awakening. Stupid me, trying to over complicate and over analyze as usual.
Today I know that I my life has been chalked full of spiritual events. People died, kids were born, flowers grew, stars came out, the sun rose and set several times during the first 51 years of my life. Were these spiritual experiences? Nope. Why? Because it is hard to experience anything on a spiritual level when you are spiritually asleep.
The only way I know to wake up is to work the 12 steps, all of them in order with a sponsor. The only way I know to stay awake is to continue to work them every day.
Now that I am awake, I am aware, I am conscious. The Big Book says the consciousness of the Presence of God is the most important fact of my life today. (Page 51) God has been present through my entire life. But I was asleep, lost in a nightmare of selfishness and self centeredness.
My sponsor says if I want to stay sober I have to continue to have spiritual experiences, I can't live off the ones in my past. I need to stay awake. I guess I better call him. I guarantee you one thing; he is awake!!!
Today I know that I my life has been chalked full of spiritual events. People died, kids were born, flowers grew, stars came out, the sun rose and set several times during the first 51 years of my life. Were these spiritual experiences? Nope. Why? Because it is hard to experience anything on a spiritual level when you are spiritually asleep.
The only way I know to wake up is to work the 12 steps, all of them in order with a sponsor. The only way I know to stay awake is to continue to work them every day.
Now that I am awake, I am aware, I am conscious. The Big Book says the consciousness of the Presence of God is the most important fact of my life today. (Page 51) God has been present through my entire life. But I was asleep, lost in a nightmare of selfishness and self centeredness.
My sponsor says if I want to stay sober I have to continue to have spiritual experiences, I can't live off the ones in my past. I need to stay awake. I guess I better call him. I guarantee you one thing; he is awake!!!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Will power...
I have zero ability to remove one single character defect. I couldn't remove my obsession to drink. I can't remove my obsession with myself. (Page 62) "Selfishness -- self centeredness! That we think is the root of our troubles." It goes on to say we must be rid of this selfishness or it KILLS us. Then it tells us we can't get rid of it. God has to do it. I can't do it. I can't work on it. Most of the time I can't even see it.
What I can do is use my will in the proper fashion. (page 85) How can I best serve God.. His Will not mine be done. I can use my will to work the steps. I can use my will to bend my knee. I can use my will to talk to another alcoholic. I can use my human will to take the actions that bring about a spiritual experience. Then God will bring about that psychic change sufficient to recover from alcoholism, God will remove the character defects that stand in the way of my usefulness to Him and my fellows. God will give me that peace and joy, that freedom that I so crave.
Why do I have to use my will. Because I don't always want to do the work. Sometimes I don't feel like going to another meeting. Sometimes I don't believe the guy sitting in front of me will ever get this deal.
I have to use my will to do these things anyway, because my experience has taught me, sometimes painfully, that what I want, what I feel, and what I believe is mostly a load of crap. I have this diseased brain that wants me to act on whatever it tells me. I did that for 51 years, damn near followed it to gates of insanity and death.
But today, I don't have to listen to that brain quite so much. It just really isn't that important. What is really important is taking the actions to improve my conscious contact with God. I have to let go of my old ideas absolutely. They didn't work. But the God thing, 100% effective.
What I can do is use my will in the proper fashion. (page 85) How can I best serve God.. His Will not mine be done. I can use my will to work the steps. I can use my will to bend my knee. I can use my will to talk to another alcoholic. I can use my human will to take the actions that bring about a spiritual experience. Then God will bring about that psychic change sufficient to recover from alcoholism, God will remove the character defects that stand in the way of my usefulness to Him and my fellows. God will give me that peace and joy, that freedom that I so crave.
Why do I have to use my will. Because I don't always want to do the work. Sometimes I don't feel like going to another meeting. Sometimes I don't believe the guy sitting in front of me will ever get this deal.
I have to use my will to do these things anyway, because my experience has taught me, sometimes painfully, that what I want, what I feel, and what I believe is mostly a load of crap. I have this diseased brain that wants me to act on whatever it tells me. I did that for 51 years, damn near followed it to gates of insanity and death.
But today, I don't have to listen to that brain quite so much. It just really isn't that important. What is really important is taking the actions to improve my conscious contact with God. I have to let go of my old ideas absolutely. They didn't work. But the God thing, 100% effective.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Power and Control
I do not have the power to get sober or to stay sober. Yet, I have complete control over whether it happens or not. Sometimes it makes people uncomfortable to hear that statement.
Although, that is exactly what the Big Book teaches. The book says on page 45 "Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly. Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a Power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves." That seems pretty clear to me, human power can never remove the obsession to drink or use.
The second part of the statement seems much more controversial. On page 85 it says, "What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." The actions suggested in the book are the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Prayer, meditation, working with others, daily inventories, packing into the stream of life. Whether or not I do these things are under my control.
If I do them I am promised a daily reprieve. I am recovered, the obsession is removed. God does that. On the other hand should I start to listen to my disease, if I start letting up, resting on my laurels, sitting on my butt, then I won't do the maintenance and I won't get my reprieve, the obsession will return, and I will be headed toward the bitter end.
Today is not about drinking or using or not. Today is about taking action or not. It all boils down to one thing; Do I believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I used to live it...
Although, that is exactly what the Big Book teaches. The book says on page 45 "Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly. Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a Power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves." That seems pretty clear to me, human power can never remove the obsession to drink or use.
The second part of the statement seems much more controversial. On page 85 it says, "What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." The actions suggested in the book are the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Prayer, meditation, working with others, daily inventories, packing into the stream of life. Whether or not I do these things are under my control.
If I do them I am promised a daily reprieve. I am recovered, the obsession is removed. God does that. On the other hand should I start to listen to my disease, if I start letting up, resting on my laurels, sitting on my butt, then I won't do the maintenance and I won't get my reprieve, the obsession will return, and I will be headed toward the bitter end.
Today is not about drinking or using or not. Today is about taking action or not. It all boils down to one thing; Do I believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I used to live it...
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Devastation vs. Solution
This disease is absolutely devastating. Incomprehensible demoralization. Utter chaos. Warped lives. Indescribable pain. Ultimate dishonesty and betrayal. Jail, institutions, and death. 100% Fatal.
The solution leads to joy, freedom, happiness, truth, compassion, love and so much more. 100% effective.
Yet we sit around in middle of the road meetings and pat people on the butt and tell them "keep coming back". Why? Maybe we are too wrapped up in our selfishness and self centeredness to really give a damn about the suffering alcoholic and addict. That might take away time from playing the AA big shot, or getting our ego stroked, or God forbid we might have to stick around and really work with someone instead of getting home to feed the damn cat.
I keep hearing this is a selfish program... Show me that in the book, the book tells me selfishness and self centeredness are the root of my problem. The book tells me intensive work with other alcoholics will save the day when all else fails. The book tells me people all around me are dropping into oblivion. The book tells me I won't want to miss this experience.
We make coffee, we go to planning meetings, we plan banquets, we have birthday parties, we hold raffles. That's all great, but it is not working the program.
The 12 steps are the program, I was taught there are 2 reasons to be at an AA meeting. Either to learn the steps and find someone to take me through them or to teach the steps find someone to take through them. I hear people with some sobriety always saying boy did I need a meeting. No what we need is to work the steps with the newcomer. If I have had a spiritual awakening as the result of working the steps then I don't need a meeting. I need a new spiritual experience. How do I get one?. By getting off my self centered butt and helping someone through this work. It's that simple.
Meetings did not save me from this disease. God saved me from this disease. But first I had to work the steps and get connected. I sure am glad my sponsor didn't just tell me "keep coming back". And thank God he didn't have a cat..
The solution leads to joy, freedom, happiness, truth, compassion, love and so much more. 100% effective.
Yet we sit around in middle of the road meetings and pat people on the butt and tell them "keep coming back". Why? Maybe we are too wrapped up in our selfishness and self centeredness to really give a damn about the suffering alcoholic and addict. That might take away time from playing the AA big shot, or getting our ego stroked, or God forbid we might have to stick around and really work with someone instead of getting home to feed the damn cat.
I keep hearing this is a selfish program... Show me that in the book, the book tells me selfishness and self centeredness are the root of my problem. The book tells me intensive work with other alcoholics will save the day when all else fails. The book tells me people all around me are dropping into oblivion. The book tells me I won't want to miss this experience.
We make coffee, we go to planning meetings, we plan banquets, we have birthday parties, we hold raffles. That's all great, but it is not working the program.
The 12 steps are the program, I was taught there are 2 reasons to be at an AA meeting. Either to learn the steps and find someone to take me through them or to teach the steps find someone to take through them. I hear people with some sobriety always saying boy did I need a meeting. No what we need is to work the steps with the newcomer. If I have had a spiritual awakening as the result of working the steps then I don't need a meeting. I need a new spiritual experience. How do I get one?. By getting off my self centered butt and helping someone through this work. It's that simple.
Meetings did not save me from this disease. God saved me from this disease. But first I had to work the steps and get connected. I sure am glad my sponsor didn't just tell me "keep coming back". And thank God he didn't have a cat..
Sunday, May 8, 2011
The Story of Jim
If you have ever read the story of Jim in the Big Book you will know what I am talking about. Its on page 35-37. I used to think Jim relasped when the thought came to him, that he could add whiskey to his milk. I was wrong. Then I thought he relasped because he was mad at the owner of his company. I was wrong. We are clearly told on page 35, Jim relasped when he failed to enlarge his spiritual life.
On Page 14 and 15 Bill Wilson is very clear about how to enlarge our spiritual life. Work and self-sacrifice for others.
It's just that simple, do the work, get a connection, get sober. Keep doing the work, keep the connection stay sober and get rocketed into a 4th dimension.
or---
Don't do the work, quit doing the work, lose the connection, get drunk, die a horrible hideous MADDOG death and take down everyone or everything I ever cared about along the way.
I don't have to go on some endless quest to find the Spirit of the Universe, I don't have to wonder do I have it or not. It will find me. The obsession to drink and use will be removed. It works EVERY TIME without fail. 100% effective.
I have yet to find a single alcoholic who on the day he relasped, had already got on his knees, said his prayers, talked to another alcoholic, reached out to help someone, talked to his sponsor and tried to carry this message. There may be one out there but I haven't found him yet.
This endless search for some feeling, so I will know, that I have found God is yet one more attempt of me trying to make myself self centered butt feel better.
I know how to tell how my program is working. I know when my Higher Power and I are connected. Its real simple, its called an inventory of my actions, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the way I feel. In fact doing an inventory of my feelings doesn't work for me because my feelings will probably change 50 times during the inventory.
What were my actions today?
Did I pray today?
Did I meditate today?
Did I listen today?
Did I open a door today
Did I carry the message today?
Did I make coffee today?
Did I read my book today?
Did I call my sponsor today?
Did I talk to my sponsees today?
Did I put the friggin shopping cart back into the damn shopping cart aisle today?
Did I pack into the stream of life today?
or---
Did I gossip today?
Did I dodge phone calls today?
Did I yell at someone today?
Did I ignore some one's pain today?
Did I lie today?
Did I litter today?
Did I take out of the stream of life today?
It has to be simple for me. My diseased brain cannot grasp anything very well but yes or no. Black and white. The grays screw me all up. Actually think that caused a very painful IRS audit one time, but I digress...
The point is the top actions in the inventory are the actions I take when I am connected to a Power greater than myself. And when I am connected there is no chance, NO CHANCE of the obsession returning.
The other ones are Jerry's normal operating pattern, the old actions, the ones that lead to death and destruction. When I am taking those actions and living in that mode then the insane thought of drinking can and will sneak up on me.
On Page 14 and 15 Bill Wilson is very clear about how to enlarge our spiritual life. Work and self-sacrifice for others.
It's just that simple, do the work, get a connection, get sober. Keep doing the work, keep the connection stay sober and get rocketed into a 4th dimension.
or---
Don't do the work, quit doing the work, lose the connection, get drunk, die a horrible hideous MADDOG death and take down everyone or everything I ever cared about along the way.
I don't have to go on some endless quest to find the Spirit of the Universe, I don't have to wonder do I have it or not. It will find me. The obsession to drink and use will be removed. It works EVERY TIME without fail. 100% effective.
I have yet to find a single alcoholic who on the day he relasped, had already got on his knees, said his prayers, talked to another alcoholic, reached out to help someone, talked to his sponsor and tried to carry this message. There may be one out there but I haven't found him yet.
This endless search for some feeling, so I will know, that I have found God is yet one more attempt of me trying to make myself self centered butt feel better.
I know how to tell how my program is working. I know when my Higher Power and I are connected. Its real simple, its called an inventory of my actions, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the way I feel. In fact doing an inventory of my feelings doesn't work for me because my feelings will probably change 50 times during the inventory.
What were my actions today?
Did I pray today?
Did I meditate today?
Did I listen today?
Did I open a door today
Did I carry the message today?
Did I make coffee today?
Did I read my book today?
Did I call my sponsor today?
Did I talk to my sponsees today?
Did I put the friggin shopping cart back into the damn shopping cart aisle today?
Did I pack into the stream of life today?
or---
Did I gossip today?
Did I dodge phone calls today?
Did I yell at someone today?
Did I ignore some one's pain today?
Did I lie today?
Did I litter today?
Did I take out of the stream of life today?
It has to be simple for me. My diseased brain cannot grasp anything very well but yes or no. Black and white. The grays screw me all up. Actually think that caused a very painful IRS audit one time, but I digress...
The point is the top actions in the inventory are the actions I take when I am connected to a Power greater than myself. And when I am connected there is no chance, NO CHANCE of the obsession returning.
The other ones are Jerry's normal operating pattern, the old actions, the ones that lead to death and destruction. When I am taking those actions and living in that mode then the insane thought of drinking can and will sneak up on me.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Belief
I have heard it said in the past it doesn't matter what you believe when you get here, it matters what you do. There is one thing I had to believe when I got here and have to continue to believe. Its on page 25 of the Big Book. Until I believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I have been living it, then I wont do this work.
Until I have run out of all other options, I won't, take suggestions and I won't do this work. The only reason I am recovered today is because I had a spiritual experience as the result of working the 12 steps. The only way I stay recovered is by continuing to work these steps and share this message with others.
The day I quit believing in the futility and hopelessness of life apart from God, who I see in everyone of you, I will quit taking the actions and I will drink, use and die.
I truly believe every relapse, comes when an alcoholic or addict begins to believe life can be lived apart from the program and God. I have heard it said well I started to think I could drink just a few and I tried it again. Not me, I started to think I could just take a break from the action things, from prayer, from meetings, from working with others, then after I disconnected I started to think perhaps I could drink a little.
For the past 23 months I have believed that I was hopeless without Divine Intervention, and the insane thought that I can do this on my own hasn't come. I have to take action everyday. Do I want to every day, nope. Do I believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I was living it, absolutely.
That is all the rigorous honesty it took for my whole world to change, Giving up...
Until I have run out of all other options, I won't, take suggestions and I won't do this work. The only reason I am recovered today is because I had a spiritual experience as the result of working the 12 steps. The only way I stay recovered is by continuing to work these steps and share this message with others.
The day I quit believing in the futility and hopelessness of life apart from God, who I see in everyone of you, I will quit taking the actions and I will drink, use and die.
I truly believe every relapse, comes when an alcoholic or addict begins to believe life can be lived apart from the program and God. I have heard it said well I started to think I could drink just a few and I tried it again. Not me, I started to think I could just take a break from the action things, from prayer, from meetings, from working with others, then after I disconnected I started to think perhaps I could drink a little.
For the past 23 months I have believed that I was hopeless without Divine Intervention, and the insane thought that I can do this on my own hasn't come. I have to take action everyday. Do I want to every day, nope. Do I believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I was living it, absolutely.
That is all the rigorous honesty it took for my whole world to change, Giving up...
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Lost Another One...
Lost another one to this disease on Sunday. Suicide, he could not grasp this design for living. I need to remember just how truly blessed I really am. But for the Grace of God, there I am. Complaining over the sad state of the nation or this fellowship is not enough, attending a few "discussion" meetings and playing the AA big shot is not enough.
My God requires me to get in the trenches, to carry this message, to sit down one on one with another alcoholic. This is what is demanded of me.
If you want to talk about the absolute devastation of this disease, the crying children, the suffering families or a pain inside so great that you would rather end your life than keep living, I will listen.
If you want to experience the Solution, a Power greater than yourself and this disease, then I can show you how I found that. I won't tell you about my day, and I won't tell you war stories. What I will show you is how to have a personal relationship with a Power greater than yourself that will solve your problems.
Thank God when I got here, people had the courage and the fire in their belly to show me the Truth. To make me understand that I was saved from this disease for a purpose.
This is my truth as I understand it. The day I no longer want to carry this message, the day I think I have done enough, the day I think I can sit back and throw out one liners at a meeting and look important. That will be the day my usefulness will be done.
So please in the next meeting, let's talk about the insanity of alcoholism, let's talk about the Power of God, but let's not talk about our day, we may be killing the dude in the next chair...
My God requires me to get in the trenches, to carry this message, to sit down one on one with another alcoholic. This is what is demanded of me.
If you want to talk about the absolute devastation of this disease, the crying children, the suffering families or a pain inside so great that you would rather end your life than keep living, I will listen.
If you want to experience the Solution, a Power greater than yourself and this disease, then I can show you how I found that. I won't tell you about my day, and I won't tell you war stories. What I will show you is how to have a personal relationship with a Power greater than yourself that will solve your problems.
Thank God when I got here, people had the courage and the fire in their belly to show me the Truth. To make me understand that I was saved from this disease for a purpose.
This is my truth as I understand it. The day I no longer want to carry this message, the day I think I have done enough, the day I think I can sit back and throw out one liners at a meeting and look important. That will be the day my usefulness will be done.
So please in the next meeting, let's talk about the insanity of alcoholism, let's talk about the Power of God, but let's not talk about our day, we may be killing the dude in the next chair...
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Gratitude
We went to the noon meeting at our home group today. On the way out someone said lets cook out tonight. So everybody brought a little something and some guys in the group cooked it all up on the grill. We ate at 7:00 and then had our meeting at 8:00. The topic of the meeting was gratitude. And as I looked around that little room and listened to these people that I know so well share, I was very conscious of the Power of God in our little building and in the hearts of my dear friends. We were missing some of our clan. Some were sick, some out of town. Some have passed, but we have new members too. There are always people there, which for me means that God is always there. I am so grateful for our little AA group, out here in the middle of West Texas. For me it is a place of refuge, a place of hope, a place of recovery. Most of all a place of Power. 12 or 13 miracles sitting around those tables tonight. My life got saved in that little group, people are being saved there daily, saved from the insanity of alcoholism and addiction. We are going to take a vacation over the next couple of weeks. Going to San Francisco, but even in the midst of that beauty, in the midst of making new friends, a piece of my heart will be sitting in that chair and around those tables at my home group. I love this way of life. Thank you all for teaching me that all I have to do to touch the face of God, is look into another persons eyes.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Learning
I was talking to a sponsee the other day and this guys name came up in town that I just don't like very much. We were swapping stories and I told him about some trouble I had with this guy several years ago. I didn't think anymore about it. Today my sponsee and I were talking and he has a couple of amends he really doesn't want to make yet. He is working his program though, and the time will come. Anyway, he asked me "did you make amends to that guy we were talking about the other day".
And then it hit me, and I had to answer "No, I haven't." Then I told him "I am going to show you how to do this and that it really works" So now I am praying for this guy, that I don't like much, and waiting for the magic to happen and I know He will put the guy in front of me or make me know it is time and I will do it. My experience with my God is that this will happen sooner rather than later. I don't want to but I will. How do I know?, because my Higher Power always gives me the willingness and the opportunity to make amends.
The point of this story and the point I made to my sponsee, is that this is exactly how the "program" works. I can't see my own crap, but I can see yours. But you guys can see mine every time. And it doesn't matter if you've been sober 3 days, 3 years, or 3 decades it really doesn't matter. It is absolutely a beautiful thing. God in His infinite wisdom figured out a way to use a stupid action I did 30 years ago, and then a stupider action I did 2 weeks ago, by telling war stories, to teach me something I needed to understand yet again, and hopefully, even give me an opportunity to bear witness of His Power, His Love, and His Way of Life.
My God Absolutely Rocks...
And then it hit me, and I had to answer "No, I haven't." Then I told him "I am going to show you how to do this and that it really works" So now I am praying for this guy, that I don't like much, and waiting for the magic to happen and I know He will put the guy in front of me or make me know it is time and I will do it. My experience with my God is that this will happen sooner rather than later. I don't want to but I will. How do I know?, because my Higher Power always gives me the willingness and the opportunity to make amends.
The point of this story and the point I made to my sponsee, is that this is exactly how the "program" works. I can't see my own crap, but I can see yours. But you guys can see mine every time. And it doesn't matter if you've been sober 3 days, 3 years, or 3 decades it really doesn't matter. It is absolutely a beautiful thing. God in His infinite wisdom figured out a way to use a stupid action I did 30 years ago, and then a stupider action I did 2 weeks ago, by telling war stories, to teach me something I needed to understand yet again, and hopefully, even give me an opportunity to bear witness of His Power, His Love, and His Way of Life.
My God Absolutely Rocks...
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Action!
I have noticed if I sit around and think long enough I can watch my ego grow. It can start out by thinking of what I can do for others, with the purest motives, however it always ends up about me. The only time my ego seems to stay relatively in check is when I "do", not when I "think". Do the prayers, do the meditation, call the friend, make the coffee, go to the meeting, work the steps, carry out the trash... You get my drift...
This seems to be right because ACTION, not intentions, thoughts, feelings or beliefs, got me connected to God, and keep me connected to God. And the only way to keep my ego=brain=disease in check is to let my Higher Power do it.
My will is in my brain... God's Will is in my feet... Keep stepping...
God is, I do, it works...
This seems to be right because ACTION, not intentions, thoughts, feelings or beliefs, got me connected to God, and keep me connected to God. And the only way to keep my ego=brain=disease in check is to let my Higher Power do it.
My will is in my brain... God's Will is in my feet... Keep stepping...
God is, I do, it works...
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Progress, not perfection. I have used that for a cop out many times. Now I know above all else I will never be perfect. However, I must strive to improve my conscious contact with God. I must remember where I fit in the scheme of things. I must know that my thoughts, my feelings, and my beliefs are not reality, and they are certainly not what needs to be driving my actions. All of these things I must do every day if I am to progress. And one thing I have been taught and I have witnessed in this program is that I am progressing or regressing. Being static is not a possibility for an alcoholic of my type.
As Chuck C. puts it I have two choices today. I can run the show and experience the consequences thereof, or I can let God run the show and experience the consequences thereof. Today I choose option two. I am very grateful to God, the program, and you people for that.
As Chuck C. puts it I have two choices today. I can run the show and experience the consequences thereof, or I can let God run the show and experience the consequences thereof. Today I choose option two. I am very grateful to God, the program, and you people for that.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Packing it in...
I went to a great conference this weekend. It was wonderful. And after all of that I went to my own little group tonight. I saw the Power of God tonight, just as real as it was at the conference. Now don't get me wrong I love the big get togethers. I also love the time we spend sharing this message at our little home group.
I had the privilege of spending some time with my sponsor this weekend. I also had the privilege of sharing with a couple of guys having a hard time getting this deal tonight. Got to live in the solution with some good friends at both places.
I don't know what the point of all this is, except this: No matter where I go, and no matter whats going on, if I go with the thought of loving, comforting, and understanding, rather than the thought of being loved, comforted and understood then my cup absolutely runs over. Its about packing it into the stream of life. I never have to take again. My God will take care of me.
I love you guys!!!
I had the privilege of spending some time with my sponsor this weekend. I also had the privilege of sharing with a couple of guys having a hard time getting this deal tonight. Got to live in the solution with some good friends at both places.
I don't know what the point of all this is, except this: No matter where I go, and no matter whats going on, if I go with the thought of loving, comforting, and understanding, rather than the thought of being loved, comforted and understood then my cup absolutely runs over. Its about packing it into the stream of life. I never have to take again. My God will take care of me.
I love you guys!!!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Another Day...
Today is just another day. Right? Just another day? No way! It is all about perception. Today people will die from alcoholism, today people will start their new journey in sobriety, today fortunes will be made and lost. There is something very special about today for me. God gave it to me. Will I surrender my will? Will I humble myself before him? Will I do the next right thing? Will I reach out to other alcoholics and addicts. Will I improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him? Today is a beautiful thing and for me, just realizing that is another miracle.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Giving it away.
I got up and prayed this morning. Read my books and told God "This is your year" do with it as You will. How grandiose is my thinking... It hit me then in my meditation that I can't give God this year, or this month, or this week, or even this day. I am not capable of giving Him a complete hour ahead of time.
What I can do is submit to Him this instant. Now... We read it all the time "That one is God may you find Him NOW!!!" I realize this is what my sponsor means when he says take the next stitch. If I could give it all to Him ahead of time I would then become impatient with the way things are going. I would think I could get there quicker by taking a shortcut in place of a step.
My first sponsor used to say contented sobriety is a journey not a destination. Today I am on that journey. My inability to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him on a permanent basis is really a blessing. I need to make that decision over and over again each day. Why? It improves my conscious contact with God. And that contact is what anchors my actions to the Rock in the midst of storms. It frees me from my arrogance of asking God why?
I no longer have to out perform, out think and outmaneuver the rest of God's kids. I really sucked at that anyway. The next right thing, the next stitch, this I am capable of. Now this is what I call a Happy New Year!!!
What I can do is submit to Him this instant. Now... We read it all the time "That one is God may you find Him NOW!!!" I realize this is what my sponsor means when he says take the next stitch. If I could give it all to Him ahead of time I would then become impatient with the way things are going. I would think I could get there quicker by taking a shortcut in place of a step.
My first sponsor used to say contented sobriety is a journey not a destination. Today I am on that journey. My inability to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him on a permanent basis is really a blessing. I need to make that decision over and over again each day. Why? It improves my conscious contact with God. And that contact is what anchors my actions to the Rock in the midst of storms. It frees me from my arrogance of asking God why?
I no longer have to out perform, out think and outmaneuver the rest of God's kids. I really sucked at that anyway. The next right thing, the next stitch, this I am capable of. Now this is what I call a Happy New Year!!!
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