Sometimes

My thoughts are crazy. They are always running through my mind it seems. Crazy thoughts, without rhyme or reason. Horrible thoughts, mean thoughts, selfish thoughts. Today that is ok. Today I know that is my disease, ever present, ever lurking, ever dangerous. The difference in now and before? Today I don't have to act on these thoughts, I know that there is another Power in me. Greater than my brain, my disease, my ego.

I have been taught that while my feelings are real, they are not reality. There is a huge difference. Reality is that God is everything. Reality is that my thoughts and my feelings are just not that important. Its kind of like the weather in West Texas. Its ok not to like it cause it will change in about 15 more minutes. Same way with my feelings and my thoughts.

What is consistent is my God. What has to stay consistent are my actions. Outcomes--Not my business, my spiritual condition--Not my business, the maintenance of my spiritual condition--Now that is my business. That is what makes me fit to be of maximum service to God and the people about me.

Today the actions I take are the actions I have been taught. The less my thoughts and feelings have to do with my actions, the smoother life seems to be. And here is the absolute kicker. When I take the right action, my old sick mind seems to follow right along.

My God Rocks!!!

Fitting In

The topic at the meeting last night was humility. I think the realization that, I had failed completely at drinking and drugging was a very good starting point for me. But the knowledge that I have failed totally and completely at life, is what really has begun to set me free. I am starting to fit into my proper position. I was created to be dependent on the Creator. Apart from Him, I am nothing. It says in the Big Book "The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves."

This is my story. But before I could perceive that He was indeed living in my heart, I had to concede the fact, that apart from Him I was nothing. Never had been, never would be.

Today I can cast all my cares on Him because I know He cares for me. I start my day by surrendering to my God, on my knees, whether I feel like it, whether I believe it will work, and whether I want to do it or not. Every day. I take the action and then I try to do what my God has for me to do that day. Am I perfect at it, hell no... But my God doesn't seem to be nearly as interested in perfection as He is persistence. That is a good thing.

How do I know it works? I'm sober, mostly content, I feel useful and life is a vibrant, exciting adventure most of the time. And when its not, I just keep on taking the actions, because no matter how bad I feel or how great I feel it is only temporary, and my feelings although they are real, they are definitely not reality. My sponsor says that and I know exactly what he means today...

Real Power

There I was sitting at one of those dumb old noon meetings. Did not want to go, went anyway. That's how we roll in my AA lineage.. (Thank God) One of the guys comes in with a few months. Now you have to picture this. This guy is a big, scary, addict/alcoholic, ex drug dealer, very macho dude. He starts sharing with us. He tells how he shattered this guys jaw and really screwed him up about 10 years ago, then terrorized the guys and his family for months. Had restraining orders the whole bit. Just roared through these peoples lives like a tornado.

Any way he is eating lunch in a restaurant with his family after church last Sunday. And this other guy comes in with his family and sits down. They look across the room and see our friend. Instantly the tension fills the room so thick, it could be cut with a knife. Our friend sits there and starts sweating and becoming agitated. Then he stands up, his family is looking at him thinking, not again. He walks over to the table and tells the other guy "don't freak out I just want to tell you that what I did to you was wrong and I'm sorry!"

Our friend starts to break up. He is standing there towering over the other guy with tears running down his cheeks making amends. The other guys breaks up. The mothers of these two start to cry and it all went great.

As he is telling us this story and I am experiencing the Power of God. There are tears in my eyes and once again I stand amazed at the Power of God in people's lives. This ain't history book or fairy tale stuff. This is real and happening right now.

I have a friend who tells me I can't live off of a spiritual experience from the past, I must take action and live this way of life daily. I do and I am.

To borrow a line from Charlie P. If loving the fellowship of AA, if studying and applying the Big Book, and if loving my God with all my heart and soul makes me an AA fundamentalist. Then I am one.

I know what it does make me. A very grateful recovered alcoholic/addict... Happy, joyous, and free....

Security

I just finished reading "A New Pair of Glasses" again. I am overwhelmed by the demonstration of God's Power in peoples lives. Security does not come from money in the bank, from relationships with other people, from things, from human power. It comes from my own relationship with my own God. And not just security, but peace and contentment as well. I thank my God for my alcoholism daily. Without this disease, I would have never needed nor known what real joy, real peace and serenity are.

This all culminates and comes to fruition every time I sit down, one on one with another alcoholic. It isn't because I am some great person, it isn't because I'm a nice guy. It is because that is what my God wants me to do and I'm doing it. It is that simple.

I try not to judge the middle of the road people any longer. Love and tolerance is our code. I would only say "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us."

This is where the theory stops and reality begins. This is where peace and contentment live.
I would not trade this life for anything. Unless God told me to. :)

Demonstrations

One of brothers I work with in the program backed into a gas main last week. He did what any one of us might do, drove to his house around the block and reported a gas leak. The police came, evacuated some people, got the gas company out and got the leak stopped.

Then the miracle happened, he went up to the police and told them he was the one that backed into the main. This may not seem like a big deal to some people. But this gentleman is on parole, he knew they would find that out, but more than that he knew his God was everything. And he took the action accordingly. Long story short, it all worked out and everything is OK.

That is the letting God demonstrate what He can do through us. It doesn't matter what I profess to believe, will I take the action? All men of faith have courage. THEY TRUST THEIR GOD.

My brother, now he has some courage. Trust is an action... Will I take it no matter what?

Awakening....

My first sponsor made me read "Spiritual Experience" in the back of the book over and over and over and over and over... Well you get the point. If I had to hear him say "we have tapped an unsuspected inner resource" one more time. I would have screamed. And if you thought about mentioning religion in a meeting he would bite your head off. I fired him once cause I thought he wasn't spiritual enough to sponsor a man of my religious understanding and intellect. But I went back humbled yet again.

Then I began to "awaken". I heard Mark H. talk about going through life asleep. I heard my current sponsor talk about the Divine Spark that tells us where to take the next stitch. I listened to Chuck C. talk about seeing God in other people. The Big Book says on page 55 "the consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you." Notice it doesn't say your belief will come! "Deep down in every man, woman, and child, is the fundamental idea of God" It says you already have it. My idea of God was obscured by my ego and the disorder of it.

I was so busy living in my dream world which later turned into my nightmare that I couldn't or wouldn't wake up. I was living in that nightmare of falling. Luckily I was awakened right before I hit the ground. I was awake just enough to do some of the things I was told. As I did those things I woke up a little more. I did some more things not listening to my own thoughts, feelings and beliefs but listening to my sponsor and people in meetings. The book started to become more real. Later on I became aware of a Spark inside directing me.

The more I listen to that still small voice, that inner resource, the more sensitive I become to it.
When I don't listen then the old ideas speak to me, those feelings will start talking and when I listen to them I start to get sleepy again. I usually hit a wall fall down and have to get back up.

The book says "awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience" For me the consciousness of God in my life is the beginning, the more I can become aware of and see God in you as well the more awake I will be. But that all happens in His time.
This is why I need all of you. To teach me how to stay awake.

I just need to take another stitch. I think I just did.

Outcomes

The more I always tried to control people, the more they rebelled. Even if I thought I was doing the right thing for them and to them, they still rebelled. Here is the basic issue, I never knew what I needed, how could I have possibly known what they needed. The other issue is that if I had known exactly what they needed, I couldn't have given it to them anyway.

Today I am beginning to realize my God given role in life. I was created to be dependent on the Creator. My job is simply to do the next right thing at any given moment, without any expectations. This is true freedom. The outcomes are not my responsibility, that is God's business. How do I get the Power to do this? By taking the actions required to maintain my spiritual condition. (Page 84-88 Big Book) My business is simply to take the actions I am supposed to take and leave the rest to Him.

I just have to be as fair and helpful as I can be to everyone I come in contact with, and leave the results to God. This include sponsees, family, friends, customers, employees, pretty much everyone. I am not saying I do this all the time, but when I can, then I have real peace.

Now about that spiritual condition thing, I have to take those actions, not so God will love me. I believe He already does no matter what. The Big Book says all this crap in our mind had us blocked from the Sunlight of the Spirit. The Great Big Book says we were alienated in our MINDS from God. I do the maintenance of my spiritual condition to change my perception, not to change God's.

Old Ideas

Letting go absolutely of my old ideas, seems to be a process not a one time decision. As I grow spiritually, I find more and more of my old ideas must fall to the way side. If I try to hang on to them, it is usually painful. I don't like pain, that is why I came to AA in the first place. I absolutely could not stand the pain of my life any longer. It was so bad, that I was willing to do ANYTHING to get away from it.

The good news is that I am learning to let go of old ideas before the pain becomes to great. As I continue to hit different bottoms, I am becoming more willing to let go quickly. This is spiritual growth for me today. Surrendering my old ideas for a design for living that really works! Realizing that the Power I always needed and desired for living doesn't come from me at all. Yet it is constantly available to me.

I always thought, that the more power and control I had, the happier I could be. Who would have ever thought that surrendering my non-existent power and control could lead to happiness and freedom.

A good friend of mine always asks "How free do you want to be?" Today I know the answer to that question, and more importantly, I know how to achieve it. If I want to be free of something all I have to do is let go... Absolutely!!!

Oh, and the design for living that really works? Dr. Bob knew... Trust God, clean house, and help others... One stitch at a time...

Miracles

Another day and another set of miracles going on around me. Today God has blessed me with the power to perceive them and appreciate them. Thanks God!!!

The world according to Chuck;

This is a quote from "A New Pair of Glasses" by Chuck C. I love it....

"You can live yourself into right thinking, but you cannot think yourself into right living"

This sums up the AA program for me. Just do what I am shown by others in this program to do, do what the book says to do and move on. I didn't believe this would work. But it has.

I don't have to hope for results today, I don't have to pray for outcomes. I just have to "do" and the results are all around me. I see them in you, I see them everywhere, and one day I looked up and my life was pretty much OK...

I am understanding what my sponsor says. I didn't know life could be OK, it could only be perfect or horrible. There was no middle ground.

Here is the really cool thing. I have learned that life is OK whether I think it is, or believe it is, or feel like it is. God is everything or nothing. Today I choose everything...

God's Kids

"He causes the sun to rise on both the evil and the good, He sends rain to the righteous and the unrighteous" God loves all His kids. If I am letting Him demonstrate His power through me, guess I will too. Doesn't leave a whole lot of room for making judgements does it? I am incapable of this kind of true love, guess I better take care of the maintenance of my spiritual condition today and let go absolutely... Think I'll do a freefall with God today.

Looking Around

Been doing some traveling, the more I see different people in different places, the more convinced I become God lives in each and everyone of them. However the ones that realize that fact seem to have more peace. I am finding out that the more I am aware of the presence of God in my life, the more serenity I have. Yet again, it comes back to me out of the Big Book. "When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the Presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith." (pg 51)

To overcome fear, I must know God is with me, to deal with anger, I must be able to turn it over to God, to have peace, the knowledge of the presence of God must be instinctive.

How to achieve this? A sponsor, the 12 steps, and ACTION!!! The only way to learn to be dependent on God, not only when I run out of options, but when I am in no dilemma at all, is by taking the actions I have been told to take. I have been shown by all of you guys that this works, now I simply have to (no scratch that) GET TO show others.

Now we are off to go meet some more of God's kids. How cool is that?

TRUTH

God has given me the most precious gift there is. And I didn't even know it was happening. The gift of TRUTH. And the TRUTH is indeed setting me free today. The TRUTH is I am nothing without God. My little plans and designs are just really not that important because today I know that everything is working out according to His plan. This is TRUTH.

His plan has always been working I just didn't perceive it. Today the things I want don't seem to matter as much because I know He will provide what I need. Somehow that has started to change my desires. I can honestly say today I want His plan to unfold in my life. It is so far superior to mine. This is TRUTH.

I know that God only wants the best for me and from me. Yet He seems happy with persistence when my best isn't good enough. This is TRUTH.

I can't make it through this day or any other without the Power of God, the Creator living through me. This is TRUTH.

Thank you God my Father for TRUTH...

Grace

God's Grace is unfathomable to me. Yet, it is as real as the air I breathe today. Actually, when I think about it, that is how this new life that has been given to me is, every facet of it. I don't understand it, yet it is so real. I stand amazed in the presence of my Higher Power's omnipotence. Of His complete and perfect Love.. In the midst of my inability to appreciate, to react, to do what is right.. He rescues me from myself time after time...

He gives me the Power to care about the stranger on the street, when I don't really care. The Power to speak the Truth, when I am full of deceit. The Power to love, when I am unlovable, the Power to stand, when I want to run. The Power to be at peace when my brain is in turmoil. The Power to go when I want to stay. The Power to stay when I want to go.

In Him is my being, my essence, my life... I must surrender it daily to Him or live in chaos. Living in chaos leads to destruction for an alcoholic of my type. I must renew my being through time spent with God. I must or suffer the consequences.

A few months ago I would have told you that if I was to drink or use I would die. That is no longer the worst outcome I perceive. Separating myself from the Sunlight of the Spirit, from this Power and from perfect Love. That would be the result. and for me that result would be so much worse than death... I lived that way for 51 years. Or really, the fact is, I died that way for 51 years, I've only been living for a short while...

Solution

My Higher Power is absolutely consistent today. He always keeps his word. He does what He promises. He never gives up on me. He always tells the truth. He always takes time.

What excellent qualities to have! Perhaps spiritual progress is allowing Him to mold me in a like fashion. Perhaps letting go absolutely to His Power, free falling with God as a dear friend puts it, not only brings bits of peace and harmony today, but also progress.

I cannot focus on my disease, it pulls me inward like gravity. The more I fight it the harder it pulls. I must let go and let God. I must cease fighting anything or anyone. I must allow Him to keep my focus turned outward toward others. That Divine spark is more powerful than the disease. And when I heed it, then it pulls me ever closer to God as I understand Him.

I must surrender to that Divine spark. It manifests itself in my life as the next right action. That is progress for me, leaping out there to take the action, whether I want to, whether I believe it will work, or whether I feel like it. Take the action and leave the rest up to one more powerful than myself. That one is God.

Gratefully I found Him right where He lives... NOW!

Another day...

Self pity is just another form of ego. My ego disorder manifests itself in so many different forms. It is always there, lurking. Thank God for the actions, the spiritual tools of this program. Without them I would surely not survive the certain trials and low spots that we all have. Yet mine are so much worse than anyone else's. Because I am "special" you know. At least that is what my brain tells me. And yet another day has passed and I am relatively sane, reasonably happy, and completely sober.

The reason is because I prayed when I didn't feel like it. I talked to another alcoholic when I didn't want to and I went to a couple of meetings even though I would have rather been anyplace else. Not because I am great, but because God gave me just enough humility and teachability to do what I was supposed to do today. Thanks God!

Now...

I heard a speaker say that the reason it says "That one is God may, you find Him now" in the big book, is because now is where God lives. I hadn't really thought about that before and as I meditated on that, it became clear to me, "now", this moment in time is what matters. My disease lives in the past (resentments) and in the future (fears). My sponsor says the enemy of the next right thing is usually fear. I know that is true in my life. Fear of not getting what I want, or losing something I have, or life not going along with my "little plans an designs". You know what else lives in the future? Outcomes and expectations. Resentments waiting to happen. All the tools that my disease has to work with seem to exist in the past or the future.

This means I must stay in the present. My real God given purpose is to "fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people about me". That has to be done in the present. So does action, every tool I have been given can pnly be used now. Doesn't matter what I did yesterday, doesn't matter what I plan to do tomorrow. The only thing that matters in my life is what I do now.

Now I ain't no rocket scientist, but if the present is where my Higher Power is and the past and future are where my disease is, then I probably would be much better off hanging out in the present...

Life Rocks... Right now...

The next right thing

The next right thing is not that hard to determine in my life today. My experience is that when I am taking the actions I am supposed to take, trusting God, cleaning house, and helping others, the next right thing just pops up and is usually not that big of a deal to do. When I struggle with it, is when I don't want to do it. 90% of the time when I am saying I don't know what to do on any given thing, it is because deep down I know exactly what to do and don't want to.

My brain, my disease, doesn't want to. So I claim to not be sure, to be "praying" about it. It is like my Dad used to say years ago, I spend more energy and time tring to get out of something rather than just doing it. I really believe Nike has it right..."Just do it".

Another thing that gets me into trouble is trying to predict what the next right thing to do will be 10 minutes from now. My sponsor says all I need to know is where to take the next stitch, I don't get to figure out the pattern. One small step at a time will lead me to where God wants me to be, I don't have to help plan the journey. My Higher Power has all of this under His control. It is a good thing cause my "little plans and designs" are not what I need. They are usually what my disease needs.

Can I still plan, absolutely as long as I realize that my plans may or may not work out the way I want them too. But they will always work out the way He wants them too.

Faith?

I was talking to a dear friend in the program last night. There is something so incredible and so amazing about what is going on in our lives right now. The realization that God is actually participating daily in my life, is so overwhelming and humbling, I am so very grateful. This is where the rubber meets the road. Elimination of drinking was but a beginning.

The absolute knowledge that The Great Reality lies deep within is a game changer. I never believed this would work. I never believed God would help me. Yet He always did, I just never perceived it. The knowledge that as I look back He was there all along protecting, working things out is amazing. I was so full of arrogance and pride, one minute, self loathing and self pity the next, that I never saw it. My feelings, my desires, my thoughts, my fears dominated my actions. My mind = my disease = EGO.

Without that conscious contact today, without taking the actions, without reaching out, my mind will still take over. But when I do those things something happens called Divine intervention and it is becoming as real to me today as life itself. Here is the strangest part of it all, 5 minutes from now I may not feel or think any of this at all, yet it will still be true.

Maybe that is what faith is, knowing the Truth, regardless of how I feel or what I think. The absolute certainty and knowledge that God is doing for me what I could never do for myself... And maybe that knowledge has nothing to do with my brain, perhaps God has given it to me. I'm still learning...

2 Sided Coin

Ego is a 2 sided coin. I always thought of ego as pride and arrogance. It is, yet it also has another side, self pity and remorse. Someone told me that and I barely listened. Yet it has been coming up a lot in my quiet times. Both sides of the coin represent spending way to much time thinking and not nearly enough time taking action. My real obsession has always been with me. I think, I want , I feel... This is because of my over inflated ego. Selfishness and self centeredness are the root of my problem. EGO... How to fight it? I don't, I let God do that. I just stay connected and take action. My God is a real smart feller. He doesn't give me the time at this point in life to sit around and think. Well gotta run, going to take some action today, lots of it... Not because I have to either, because it is a design for living that really works and besides that I enjoy it most of the time. And after all it is all about me. Right???

God is in control

God is definitely in control. Life has happened quite a bit in the last few days, but my perception is that it could all have been much worse. For an alcoholic of my type that perception is a miracle. God is most definitely in control. And this is all that matters. Thank you God for the truth. Thank you God for sobriety and peace...

Getting Out

Today getting out of myself is the answer to my problems. It's kind of funny, it always was. I always perceived that. Before, I tried to get away from my diseased mind with drugs and alcohol. I tried to turn my mind off. It worked until it stopped working. The results however, were horrendous. I was like a tornado roaring my way through the lives of others, you know the story.

I still need to get away from my sick mind and my selfish thoughts. Now I have been shown that the best way, to get out of myself, to stop the crazy movie playing in my brain, is to simply turn my thoughts and my actions to someone I can help. However, this is impossible for me to do. The good news is my Higher Power, God as I understand Him, can do this through me if I get out of the way.

How did I find this out? How did I get connected to the Creator of the universe? By working the 12 Steps with a sponsor, by seeing how other people did it. Dare I say it again; by coming to the realization that my real, God given purpose is to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people about me.

I have friends in the program that struggle so. They are constantly analyzing, thinking, working on their character defects, doing thousands of inventories, countless gratitude lists, studying, lecturing, basically on a treadmill and yet seem absolutely miserable. Some of all of the above is beneficial, (except maybe the thinking) but none of those things of their selves work for me.

This is what works for me every time; sitting down with a suffering addict or alcoholic and going through the work. Doing what God wants me to do. Opening a door, playing with grandchild, smiling when I want to frown, listening when I want to speak, throwing my trash in a can not on the road, little things, things against my natural nature. Not doing any of that to improve myself but doing it because nobody wants what a door slamming, grouchy Grandpa, frowning, overbearing, trash throwing redneck has...

I was not saved from this horrible fate to work on me. I was saved for one reason only, to spread this message, through my actions, through the demonstration of God's Power in my life. To help others. God does not want or need a perfect Jerry. God wants and demands my talents and time to spread the good news that anyone, absolutely anyone can recover from this nightmare and be given the Power to help others.

Service

I am a selfish and self centered alcoholic and addict. Service is not something that comes naturally for me. Yet the Big Book says in many places that I must serve others. For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. (Pg 14-15). It says our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. (pg. 77) No where does it say; I am to plan outcomes, it doesn't say I will be of service only if it turns out the way I want it.

I am supposed to be fit to do what God puts in front of me and leave the outcome to Him. It is really none of my business if a newcomer gets the message or not, whether any one thanks me for making coffee or not. Yet again, it isn't about me. And sometimes I want it to be. This is just another manifestation of my disease. It is a natural product of my diseased mind.

This is one more reason I have to stay connected to God. My experience tells me if I am connected to God and something comes up that I really don't want to do and do it anyway, it seems to work out like it is supposed to, even if I don't think so. The issue isn't how great of a job I did, it isn't what a great guy I am. I am not supposed to break my arm patting myself on the back. The key is whether or not I am willing to submit myself before man and God to the process. The other person's reaction has nothing to do with that (thank God). It is a matter of surrender to the Creator, by the creation (me).

As a bonus I must admit, all of the happiest, most joyful, serene moments in my life have come as a result of my obedience to God. But that is not why I perform service, because I can't remember it brings me peace any more than I could remember the pain caused by alcohol. My "rememberer" (my own word, not a typo, I also have "feelers" but they are out of calibration, much to sensitive to use) is broken. The reason I do it is because my sponsor tells me to, the book tells me to, and it seems to be working today for a bunch of other folks.

When I want to take a day off and do a really close inspection of my mind. When I want to figure out what makes me tick, that is when I better get off my ass and be useful to others, because my diseased mind wants to spend lots of "quality" time with me. If I spend to much time listening to the disease that lives in me, I will block myself off from the Sunlight of the Spirit which is a death sentence for an alcoholic of my type.

Today I don't have to do that. Today I will improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him. Today I will enlarge and perfect my spiritual life. Why, because I was fortunate enough to get hooked up with some people that weren't taking the day off. Some people that were taking action and serving others. Some people that made coffee, paid the bills, kept the lights on, cleaned the tables, emptied the ashtrays, fixed the heater, gave people rides, went to the meeting whether they wanted to or not. Some people that took the time to explain this disease to me and show me how to get connected to God. Today; LIFE ROCKS!!!

Middle of the road

I went to 2 meetings tonight. I'm on the road traveling. I was horrified once again. I listened to the chair person at one meeting talk about being sober for 8 years and never getting past Step 6. I watched her volunteer to sponsor a newcomer. At the next meeting I watched an alcoholic, probably dying, say he would do anything to stay sober and so everyone gave their damn war stories and just left after the meeting. I gave him a book and talked to him for a little while. If I had landed in either one of these meetings a year ago I would have died.

I'm not slamming these people, they just looked and sounded tired. They are just wore out. I can see why, fighting this stupid disease day after day without working the Steps without being connected to God, is exhausting I'm sure. Thank God for real AA where it exists. Thank God for my sponsor, my home group, and the real message of AA. One thing about it, you can't sit in a meeting in our group and puke on the table without being called on it. Well usually.

Middle of the road AA sucks. I made some people mad again, but that is ok. They look at me with my 1 year of sobriety and just laugh when I say I have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. Sober pride is running rampant in our fellowship. People that probably are not real alcoholics are "sponsoring" and very likely killing people with this disease.

In my travels I have noticed some correlations, the less Big Books you see, the more sour the look on the old timers faces. The less active sponsorship is going on. The clothes are dirtier, the shoes are duller, the rooms are filthier, the coffee is more expensive, and visitors are less welcome. And the Big Book thumpers have long since packed up and moved on.

I am not suggesting avoiding these places, I am suggesting walking in the door with a Big Book, taking the heat, and speaking the Truth, we can change all of this, one recovered alcoholic at a time. Trust me if you are working this program, and connected to God you will be the most attractive person in the room.

Join us on the firing line. We have recovered and been given the Power to help others, God please give us the courage to use it.

Growing

It has become easier for me to surrender, than it used to be. Now I don't have to exhaust all my options, every time before giving it to God. I think growing for me, is seeing God increase my ability to give it over quicker. True humility and true peace go hand in hand. If I ever reach the point of being able to surrender immediately when external things happen, or even better whether things are happening or not, life will work out much better. But hey, progress not perfection.

To be able to live in a state of true surrender, means to have true peace and serenity, then I will be always fit to be of maximum service to God and the people about me. I cannot acheive this by human effort, God has to do it. Today I will use my will to try to stay out of His way and let Him continue the good work He has started within me...

Dependence...

As each day passes, my realization is made stronger of the fact that I was created to be a dependent being. Not dependent on drugs or alcohol, or people, or material things... I tried all of that for years. I was created to be dependent on the Creator, in everything... Yet I still get wrapped up in life, in what I am doing, and think I can depend on myself or external things. But, I am becoming more and more aware of my weakness. My weakness is not a bad thing as long as I stay connected to God. In my weakness, His Power is shown to be perfect, patient, kind, and never failing.

May I always come back to center, may I always remember my constant need for God. Only He can fill the hole inside and only He can heal the spiritual malady that exists within me... May I constantly depend on this inner most Resource, the Spark of life, the little portion of God that resides within us all... May I always depend on the Eternal, not the external...

Fitting In

My God given purpose in life is to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people about me. Physically fit, mentally fit, and most importantly spiritually fit. If I straighten out spiritually, the physical and mental will follow. To be spiritually fit my ego must fit. Therein lies the main problem, because my I have a disorder of the ego. My diseased brain tells me I am the center of the universe and, should I allow it, the stars will revolve around me. My sponsor has informed me this is not the case. (had a little resentment over that).

It turns out I am really powerless. It turns out that lack of power is my dilemma. What I really need is to find a Power by which I can live. I wonder where and how I could find this Power. Guess what? There is a book that is written exactly for that purpose! Its main purpose is to enable me to find a Power greater than myself to solve my problem! And get this, it was written in 1939 and it still works. The title; Alcoholics Anonymous, kind of quaint.

Now surely I could just peruse this book. Skim it, get the highlites. Then I could just use the parts of it I liked and skip the rest. After all I am special, a man with my superior intelligence afterall... I tried that for quite some time, it didn't seem to work, damn book.

Then alcohol took me to a jumping off place, and the place was not pretty. I was faced with two alternatives, one was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of my intolerable situation, the other to accept spiritual help. Accepting help would be admitting I was not the center of the universe. The minute I took that small step, something happened, I fell down hard. But my sponsor was there to catch me. Alot of people were there to catch me.

Now I realize it was God that caught me, he just used those danged alcoholics to do it. They took me through the steps, the difference was this time I wasn't kicking and screaming. I worked at it with the desparation of a drowning man. And I found God (turns out He was not ever lost).

Life is no longer the same, I know my place, it is whatever and wherever God says it is. Now I am there to catch some people, and everytime I am reaching out to a newcomer, I am not falling. I think it is because God has me.

Trust God, clean house, help others... Join us on the firing line of life. We need you!

Truth

The Truth for me is in the Big Book of AA. The first 164 pages. That book and the Program contained within, along with a sponsor, taught me how to connect to GOD!!! He got me sober and He keeps me sober. He also set me free from so many other things, and is working on the others in His good time. I am powerless and hopeless without God. I don't know how to get sober or stay sober. I don't know how to live one moment in sanity or clarity. I don't know how to love or be loved. I don't know the reason for life. I don't know the reason for pain, death, or anything else. But I do know God, and He knows how to do all of those things for me. The only reason I know God on an intimate, personal level, is because of the Program of AA. So don't ask me to dilute it, don't ask me to be quiet, don't ask me to deny any portion of it. Don't ask me to accept middle of the road BS. For to do so means death for me. Spiritual and physical...

Middle of the road, watered down, take your time doing the steps, don't work with newcomers for the first year, AA kills real alcoholics and addicts. But far worse than that, it takes away their last hope.

If that is what you stand for, then you don't stand for anything, and if you must come to our AA meeting then please SHUTUP. Our AA meetings don't have room for opinion, we don't have time. People are dying! We live in the solution, not anyones screwed up opinion. Not even mine. Hey, let's try this, if it isn't in the book then let's don't say it in a meeting. If you must give an opinion then get your own blog and spew garbage all over it. That is what I do...

Spiritual Giants

I was at a conference this weekend with what I considered, when I got there, to be some "spiritual giants". In the old days that would have left me feeling apart, less than, not good enough. I would have had to try to prove that I was just as good as, or better than. My HP has shown me that these people are not competitors in some race to be run. Rather brothers in a way of life that has saved us all. I talked to them and LISTENED to them, and came away amazed at the Power of God. I learned from God through them all, partially by listening, partially by observing that, we are all alike in one aspect; the Power does not belong to any of us, it is only ours to use. We are all the same, the better job we do of getting out of the way, the more that Power is revealed. I learned this; God allows me to see Himself in everyone I meet. The guys I considered to be "spiritual giants" are simply guys that have learned to get out of God's way.

Actions

Intentions are what I always thought mattered. As long as my intentions were good it should be alright for me to use you, step on you, worry you, and generally cause you pain. I am learning as I grow that intentions are of little consequence, it is what I do that matters. I intended to do lots of great things. Very rarely did that happen. I intended to quit drinking. I still almost died. Decisive action is what works for me today. When I am taking action, and improving my conscious contact with God, things go a lot better.

A part of...

God,

Help me be a part of your plan today, a part of my loved ones lives, a part of my Group, a part of AA, a part of the stream of life, a part of the Solution. Not apart from...

Relieve me of the bondage of self. My magic magnifying mind will tell me I'm different, I'm special, I'm not good enough, I'm too good.

Help me to remember, I am just another member of AA, not a leader, just another one of God's kids...

Spiritual Awakenings

I keep working this program. My life keeps getting better and sometimes it seems like it is happening in spite of me. The more I try to pack into the stream of life the more the stream just rolls me along. The more I awaken. Mark H. was right about living this life asleep. As I begin to awaken spiritually I am beginning to see that the elimination of drinking is but a beginning. God has a plan for me, God has a plan for us all. I only have to do the right thing and more is revealed. And I do the wrong things alot of the time. Yet He doesn't give up, He just keeps blessing and moving. God help me stay out of the way. Thy Will not mine be done...

4th Dimension

The more I work this program, the more is revealed. I wonder is it the 4th dimension Bill Wilson referred to. When I let God out of the box I had Him trapped in with my will. When I am teachable, when I am doing the "do" things, when I am trying to get out of the way; then for the briefest moments I sense there is more, I smell more as some of my friends put it.

As I grow up in this fellowship, as I learn all about the real things in life, I stand in awe of the Power, which is God. I can see it in the eyes of another recovered alcoholic, more importantly I can see it in there actions. In just my minuscule amount of sobriety I have seen awesome incredible things. I have seen people walk through the fires and the valleys and come out in peace. I have seen people take their last breath in this human form at peace. I have seen the obsession removed and I have seen the pain of its return.

I'm not special, these things have been occurring since the beginning of time, only I could never perceive them before, let alone recognize the Power of God in them. As I grow older physically somehow I sense the bonds of earth loosening ever so slightly, and I am at peace...

Yet there is alot to do, and God has given me everything I need to continue along this path. I am responsible when anyone anywhere reaches out for help. I want the hand of AA always to be there and for that I am responsible...

Power

Thank you God for making me powerless. If I had any power at all, I would make a mess of things. I wouldn't think I needed God. All around me people are freaking out about the state of the nation. I can't do anything about that, but I can talk to an alcoholic today, I can fit myself to be of maximum service. I can do what is put in front of me. The only reason I can do these things is by the Power of God's Grace. Thank you God for not giving me what I deserve. Thank you for allowing me to tap into that unsuspected inner resource today.

True Joy

Every time I have the privilege of sharing the Solution with a newcomer, when I get to work on the Steps with a sponsee, I stand in awe of the Power of God. It is true joy as I have never known it, it is the "high" that I was always looking for. It seems as though it is the point in time when all of the bits of God's Power merge, when I can catch a true glimpse of the Power of God. The things my sponsors have told me, the Program of AA, the promises of the Big Book, the words of the speakers, the uncountable prayers of mothers and wives and children, all conspire together to bring two drunks or addicts together spiritually, to accomplish things in both of our lives that we could never accomplish for ourselves. Regardless of the outcome, I walk away feeling touched somehow by God. Not because of any frail, mediocre, attempts to assert my human will. But because at that special moment in time, God through His Grace has bestowed upon me the gift of selflessness for that moment. It is the one time when I am closest to being out of the way and concerned with God's Will rather than my own little plans and designs. It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God's power. The same Power which has restored me to sanity, the same Power that has removed the obsession, the same Power which created everything. Yeah God!!!

A Plan

This just in; the guy with the plan is named God, not Jerry. What a relief cause my plans just weren't working out. It seems I never know what I need, only what I want. A lot of the time what I want is not what I need. But God is on top of all that. He gives me what I am supposed to have, my job is to be happy with and take care of what He gives me. I think that comes under the "trusting God part". Once more, yet again "I have to quit playing God".

Today

Today is already a good day. Whether I perceive it that way or not is up to me. Thy Will be done...

Valleys

I was talking to a friend this morning and they were sharing with me some unpleasant things going on in their life right now. That is when I was reminded again that bad things often happen to people even when they are close to God and living this life. I know from my own experience that just like alcohol and drugs drove me to my knees and forced me to turn to God. The unpleasant things that happen keep me seeking. I have a disorder of the ego. If things were to go to smooth for me I would start believing the big lie. I would start to think I can handle life on my own. I would be in real trouble. The valleys in my life are where most of my spiritual growth comes from. Without them I would be suffering through this existence on my own and that is a horrible place to be. At this moment I can truly be thankful for the valleys and for my disease, because it all keeps me connected to the great Sustainer, to the Solution, to the POWER.

The big lie... or the big I...

Sometimes I get so caught up in the work I am doing in AA that I start believing the big lie... That lie is that I am doing anything under my own power to stay sober or to help someone else. I am not GOD IS... I just have to "fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people about me". (AA Bigbook Pg 77) Gone are the days when I thought I had to be some big AA speaker, or the next great AA evangelist. I am beginning to realize that when I am spiritually fit God will give me the next thing to do. It might be speaking, or it may be going to get water for the group, making coffee, talking to a sponsee, being polite to the lady at the store, it's really none of my business what it is. Again what I think or feel does not matter... What I do is what matters. This is the key of serenity for me today. Being fit and doing what I am supposed to do.

Relationship

To be spiritually fit, I must realize my true position in relation to God. He is the Employer, He is the Director, He is the Father, He is Power. My job is to trust Him and remember that I control nothing. What a peaceful place to be... when I remember that piece of information and act accordingly. My God is patient though, He will let me try to run the show. I imagine that sometimes He must find my feeble attempts quite humorous. He never leaves me or abandons me, He is always there, patiently waiting for me to let go... If I do not remember my true position, then I will be unwilling to take the actions required to grow and expand my spiritual condition. That is a death sentence for me... He is the Creator - I am the creation...

Perceptions

How do I perceive pain, trials, and challenges. I must perceive them as building blocks on the road to becoming spiritually fit. I must look on them as costs of spiritual growth. If not, I will start falling into that trap of resentment and self pity. Both of which are fatal to me. Acceptance, courage, and wisdom, these grow everyday as long as I take a few simple actions. My actions, trusting God, cleaning house, and helping others, water these attributes and help them grow everyday. However looking back I see that these seeds of growth were sown in the valleys of my life, not on the hilltops...

Power

"Lack of Power, That was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a power greater than ourselves." (Pg 45 BB) Notice the book does not say find a power which we could control, or which would give us our way, or which we could possess. Simply by which we could live. What I had to realize is that I can live by this Power daily, only by submitting to it. Only by letting go absolutely. The only way for me to live by this Power is to give up all my perceived power, which shouldn't be to hard considering I never had any real power anyway....

One Day at a Time

Some of us in the fellowship have "perverted this truth". No where in the big book does it state I won't drink today, but maybe I will tomorrow. The big book says there must be "no lurking notion that I can be immune to alcohol". (pg 33) It says "we are like men who have lost our legs; we never grow new ones" (pg 30)

The big book refers to a "24 hour reprieve, contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." (pg 85) Notice is doesn't say contingent on our spiritual condition. It says if I take the actions everyday to maintain my spiritual condition. I will not have the desire to drink. Thank God for that! My perception of my spiritual condition is based on thoughts and feelings. Thoughts and feelings are not important. Right action and the results of taking right action is all that matters. That is so powerful to me, for action is where the rubber meets the road. Action results from a decision being made.

My Higher power honors action, my Higher Power keeps me sober... Whether I am believing it on any given day doesn't matter... Doing the deal keeps me connected...

How it works

It works well. I have been rocketed into a 4th dimension. Not always feeling that way, but always knowing that my Higher Power is with me. What a powerful piece of information that is. That single fact makes me happy, joyous and free when I take the time to remember it. I have to make my conscious contact and I have to sacrifice self and work with others to make it grow. When I am living in this truth, when my perceptions are not skewed, by lifes ups and downs, I can rest my Spirit in God's and the results are literally out of this world. "Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity" (BB pg 68) I don't keep me sober, God does... I don't provide my own peace, God does...

Out of self

Selfishness and self centeredness, this is the root of my problems. But what to do about it... I like being all wrapped up in myself. How can I get more of what I want? How can I work this, so I end up OK. Thinking of the other person is not my strong suit. In fact I suck at it. But it is getting better. The only time I am not way too self involved, is when I am working with someone else. This is the only way I can reach that state of not thinking about me. Whether I want to do it or not, I force myself to because the other option is to quit growing spiritually, get drunk and die. Since I have been working with others though, I find myself wanting to do it more, to have that "high" of watching someone else grow. Like everything else in the program, if I do it even when I don't want to it works... Yeah God!!!

My Group

I love my Group. There is something about being able to walk in our little building and be surrounded by relatively happy sober people that actually love me. I don't know what normal folks do to gain this feeling. I have witnessed some wonderful and some tragic things with my Group. But through it all they are still my Group. My Higher Power, my late Sponsor, my Sponsor, my Group, my Family, they all had hope for me when I had no hope... Life is full, my heart is full, Thanks God...

In God's Care

Thank you God, for always watching out for me, and then watching me fumble around and try to take credit. Today "Thy Will be done"...

Out of words - Take action

When I am all out of words, when all the tears have been spilled, when I have no energy, when I want to hide from everything and everyone, when the waves of depression seem to want to wash me away into a sea of despair... Then I must take simple actions. This is the only way I know for peace to return. Take the simple actions over and over again, until God's Spirit restores my sanity. Doesn't matter whether I believe it will help or not. Only matters that I do it.

Loss-Gain

I lost my sponsor this week. It feels like there is a giant hole in my life. But I realize, thanks to him that my perception, is flawed at this point. The fact is that everything is exactly the way is it supposed to be. This knowledge will move from my head to my heart soon and I will perceive that everything is as it should be. I miss him dearly but my job is to "trudge", to share the things he taught me with others... And I will...

God's Plan

For me to experience God's amazing grace, I have to accept God's Will. Sometimes I don't understand it, or like it, or even see the point of it. This is where faith must live. In the hours and minutes when my alcoholic mind wants me to feel self pity, wants to question everything that happens. If faith does not live here in this time then my magic magnifying mind will make it all about me. And it's not, it's really not. Faith today for me means that everything is as it should be today, regardless of how I "feel" or what I "think" about it. My "thoughts" and "feelings" are not to be trusted. My life has made that abundantly clear. Think I'll stay on board with the Creator today, so far His plan seems to work out so much better than mine...

Understanding

My experience is that understanding why things are the way they are, is way out of my pay grade. I can drive myself crazy (it's a short trip), with trying to understand. I don't understand a lot of things. But that is becoming more and more OK. Trust God, clean house, help others. For me trusting God is about no longer thinking I have to understand anything. I just have to take action, thereby enlarging and expanding my spiritual life. In this way I can truly come to believe that God has "got this"

Thinking

I think, that thinking often gets me in trouble... I think, to much introspection leads to giving my alcoholic brain the fuel it needs to just twist everything out of shape. I think, today I will think less, trust more, and above all just do what I am supposed to...

Thanks

Thanks God. What an absolutely cool day... Just did what I was supposed to and let you worry about everything else. I am tired, I will drift off to sleep soon, all the while knowing that everything is just how it is supposed to be... That is truly a miracle in my life... Thank you God.

New Year same life...

New year, same life, for once I am content with my life... Don't need a bunch of resolutions... Don't need to make any huge changes... Just need to keep Trudging the Road of Happy Destiny with the Creator of the Universe... Keep reading, praying, meditating, reaching out, clearing away the the wreckage of my past... Enjoy walking this path... Progress, not perfection...